Book Review- The Ghost of Eternal Polygamy: Haunting the Hearts and Heaven of Mormon Women and Men by Carol Lynn Pearson

The Ghost of Eternal Polygamy: Haunting the Hearts and Heaven of Mormon Women and Men by Carol Lynn Pearson
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I love Carolyn Pearson. The first book I picked up of hers was a small fable for our times called The Lesson. At the time I had no idea who she was, what else she'd written or her story. I was so naive to so much of Mormon culture and famous people when I went to BYU! Now of course, I've read so many things by her and about her. She feels like a wonderful example of what a woman in the church can be. She talks about herself being a "tribe elder" and I would totally agree. She talks about being part of the churches trek from "patriarchy" to "partnership" and I say "AMEN"!

Her writing style is so wonderful. Whether she's writing poetry, or short fables, or about heavy subject matter like this book- her words just flow on and off the page effortlessly. Instead of just presenting us with historical facts she's able to take us there so that we can see and feel the words, discussions, heartbreak, etc.

In this book she discusses the history of polygamy, the doctrines and culture behind section 132, current temple practices, and more. A quick summary being that while we excommunicate members for practicing polygamy we haven't excommunicated the idea of polygamy from among our members. That while we don't practice it here on earth, temple practices and historical church teachings seem to threaten that polygamy still awaits all of us in the eternities.

In between each chapter of her own research and thoughts she has chapters of quotes from men and women within the LDS culture telling their own stories. Stories of men who are sealed to multiple women (through divorce or outliving their spouse). Stories of women widowed young who then have children with a second husband and have to figure out if they should break their sealing to the first husband so their children can be sealed to their dad (her second husband). Stories of daughters whose fathers made terrible jokes about wanting other wives beyond their mothers. Stories of men who felt they didn't need to put as much effort into their marriages now because in the eternities they could have new and better wives. Women who fear putting their whole selves into a marriage because they don't want to love their husband too much if they have to share him in heaven. And on and on.

I read this book shortly after finishing In Sacred Loneliness by Todd Compton which talked about the history of polygamy and the women who lived it. I felt like as I read that book I had this inner dialogue with myself- feelings of betrayal at not knowing the full history and also fear that what I believed about heaven and marriage was somehow wrong. Fear that polygamy would someday or somewhere be reinstated. And finally coming to the conclusion that eternal polygamy was wrong. Reading The Ghost of Eternal Polygamy afterward was so validating! It discussed and alleviated so many worries. And also, it helped me know that I wasn't alone in my study and deep thought about this subject.

Carolyn describes beautifully about her testimony being shattered into a million pieces during her own divorce. And that when she was finally ready to pick up the pieces she took each one carefully in her hands and decided which to keep and which to let go. She decides ultimately to let the piece of eternal polygamy go. She knows that God loves her. She knows that heaven with plural marriage sounds more like hell and so she chooses to believe that heaven will not include plural marriage. And I'm happy to agree with her there!

I love that even with this opinion on polygamy she is very gracious and respectful toward Joseph Smith and his life. She still views him as a prophet and considers him a friend. She so beautifully pays tribute to him and to Emma. I too can't wait to give Emma a hug in the life to come.

The final thing I loved about this book is the chapter in which she just lists out each reason/theory we've heard about why polygamy was practiced and then using historical facts and quotes knocks each one of them down. I loved this because each time someone guesses as to why it was instituted it leads to false doctrines and false ideas being spread. Some of them are so trivial too that I can't help but think "Do you really think God would sacrifice all of these women's happiness for that?"

After reading a few books on the subject I tend to believe that it was a misunderstanding of the sealing covenant. Joseph knows he needs to seal all the inhabitants of the earth together and he also believes that Christ's second coming is imminent. For some reason he lets men be sealed to one another as brothers or father and son but when it comes to women they are always married into the sealing covenant. Even here we have to take into account the culture and feelings toward women at the time and acknowledge that the idea of spiritual wives was gaining popularity among many starting out religious communities. I'm also sympathetic to the belief that it may have been issued by God in order to test the saints but only when paired with my definite belief that it could only have been temporal- not eternal. I also understand that many people will see it being completely driven by lust. Whatever the reason, I feel like Doctrine and Covenants 132 makes it pretty clear that if anything polygamy is the exception to God's rule of monogamy and only a temporal sacrifice...meaning not eternal in nature. When you think about all the revelation that the church has received since then about man and wife and their relationship as equals I don't see any way to mesh that with the idea of polygamy. The idea that God loves women and God wanting us to all practice polygamy just can't coexist in my brain.

Which is Pearson's real point. That the idea of eternal polygamy needs to be addressed so that we can put away the fears and misconceptions that are still silently prevalent in the minds and hearts of many faithful members. We often think of polygamy being a long ago doctrine that doesn't effect us anymore but it directly effects temple practices, family teachings and I believe it's also why we don't talk about our Heavenly Mother more (because of the false belief that there is more than one!). I, along with the author, hope that these things will be addressed. I believe further revelation and direction is needed in this matter and I appreciate Sister Pearson bringing attention to this topic.



View all my reviews

Book Review- In Sacred Loneliness: The Plural Wives of Joseph Smith

In Sacred Loneliness: The Plural Wives of Joseph Smith by Todd M. Compton
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This was such a great read! I can't even imagine the amount of research that went into this. Each chapter is a detailed biography of each of Joseph Smith's plural wives (Todd Compton settles on 33 absolutely proven marriages while there are definitely others out there that are still being investigated).

Learning the stories of these women and getting to read things that they themselves wrote was amazing. We hear so little about women during the founding of the Mormon church and when we do it's often dramatized or makes them out to be never doubting, perfect, angel type women. While I believe they should be respected I think getting to know who they really were and what they really thought does much more to honor them than to only tell a sanitized version of their history.

Compton uses so many types of records to recreate each woman's life. Some of the wives are very well documented and known already such as Eliza R. Snow or Helen Mar Kimball, while others we have only one or two extant documents. There has been a lot of speculation about Smith's polygamy, who was involved, why it was practiced, etc. Compton uses journals (of men and women involved with polygamy at the time), as well as affidavits that many of the women wrote and signed later in life, writings and quotes attributed to Smith, receipts, newspaper articles, census records, and more in order to give us a more clear picture of these women's lives.

In addition to painting a more vivid picture of each of these women, this book also brought polygamy more into more focus for me. One realization was that Smith started practicing polygamy way before section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants was written. Not only was it done in secrecy, but the secrecy was actually part of the covenant that Joseph made people take to participate in it. While I knew that it was a very hushed practice at the time I was amazed at the level of deception that many of the leaders participated in when talking to Emma about it and also in confronting accusations of polygamy in local newspapers and publications. Finally I was suprised at how important polygamy was to Joseph Smith and the early saints. It wasn't just a part of the gospel for them, it was the entire thing. They believed that polygamy was a pattern of what heaven will be like and Joseph believed that polygamy was his crowning revelation to the church and the most necessary component to assuring one's salvation.

Knowing these things, especially the last point, makes it much harder to simply put the question of polygamy on a shelf. Joseph Smith really believed that we'd be practicing polygamy in heaven, that the bigger the family kingdom you build on earth the higher your exaltation, and that it was necessary for salvation. All of which I don't believe. So this causes quite the dillemna for me in reconciling that with my belief in the church. While this book didn't really help me reconcile anything, I have found a couple others that break down the scriptures and revelations a little more and also, of course, I believe in the idea of updated revelations from our leaders now and in the future, and I don't think they are preaching that. I still find myself fascinated by the way Joseph viewed it though and learning more about the revelations themselves: where they came from, what Joseph thought they meant, what they actually could have meant, how Joseph tried to remain faithful to what he thought he should do, how he may have deviated from that course. Whether these beliefs about God were his only motive in implementing plural marriage we'll probably never know. But we can probably stop promoting false defenses of it such as stating that it increased the number of children born, or took care of widows, etc. We can see by birth statistics and the average age of Joseph's wives (and all polygamous wives in the early church) that these theories just aren't supported.

I enjoyed this book so much because it made the women come alive to me! I see such value in women learning about the stories of other women. It's something that can often get overlooked in a religious setting- the voice of the women. These ladies loved and were loved. They were mothers, daughters, sisters and friends. They had their heart broken, had hope, were midwives, felt lonely, lost husbands, lost children, got divorced, raised hell, etc. It let me look past the anecdotal stories that we hear and see a full dimensional person. Instead of just seeing their very best quote from an ensign article we get to see their real life quotes from their journals. Just what they were thinking and why. I loved it. I was amazed at how many women have a certain story in church history that we've heard and we only know just that one story and we never find out that she was also a wife of Joseph Smith and she also did all these other things outside of just the one little story. In fact, they have stories about divorce, raising children with disabilities, children who elope, being midwives for hundreds of births in primitive conditions, losing children who are poisoned by people who hate the church, not being sealed to the love of their life since they are already sealed to Joseph Smith, going through depression, participating in prayer meetings where they speak in tongues and give one another healers blessings, and much much more.

Also, the authors title was a pretty good description of how these women lived. Loneliness is a huge theme throughout the book and my heart broke for them and their sacrifices many times. Many of these women were told that not only their salvation but the salvation of their families relied upon them becoming plural wives to the prophet. One woman, Lucy Walker, even describes her feelings after she receives Joseph's proposal as saying that she felt her life was stretched across the sacrificial alter. My heart broke so many times for each of them. Those who were already married, those who were so young, those who were Emma's friends and yet keeping this secret. And of course my heart breaks for Emma and the things that she had to endure.

I was also surprised by how adamantly the women defended polygamy in public while hating it and rallying against it in private conversations or journal entries. I was also surprised by the fact, that in their zeal to defend polygamy they put down the institution of monogamy by calling it vile, wicked and carnal. Many of them talk about polygamy being God's only way of marriage and that monogamy was brought to the world from the evil Romans and that it took away the virtue of women and caused whoredoms and adultery. They also truly believed that monogamy would never be reinstated and so when it was within many of their lifetimes, that was a very very hard thing for them to go through.

I was also fascinated by the history of polygamy after Joseph's Smith's death. When Joseph III became president of the RLDS church he and others went on missions with the sole purpose of convincing others that Joseph Smith had never practiced polygamy. When information came to light that he had, the RLDS then took the perspective that none of the marriages were ever consummated. To counter their opinions Brigham Young made many of the plural wives of Joseph Smith sign affidavits that not only were they married but also that they were intimate. So we have their stories in their own words many times that spell out exactly the nature of their relationship.

Anyway, I could go on and on about this book but really people just need to read it. It will give you a better understanding of where Joseph Smith was coming from and also who these women were and the amazing things they did outside of marrying Joseph Smith. I think this part of our history is so important to study and learn from. These women have interesting and unique lives and go through so much more than I think I could bear in one lifetime. They are overlooked, persecuted, lonely, loyal, filled with faith, supportive friends to one another and amazing!

View all my reviews

New Year's Goals Revisited and Some Thoughts on Setting Boundaries

As some may remember I posted earlier this year about my new year's goals being somewhat untraditional.  After dealing with postpartum issues, depression and anxiety this year I decided I needed to make some goals that would help me increase my happiness and peace.  The goals I proposed for myself were:

1) Care less what other people think about me
2) Care less about what other people are doing
3) Do less
4) Focus on the first three and stop making so many goals!

If you'd like to see those goals in context or understand what I mean by them you can view the previous post here: Perfect Goals and the Imperfect People That Make Them.

So what have I been doing to achieve these goals?

Goal #1- Standing up for myself more.  Giving my opinions.  Spending less time worrying about what others might be thinking.  Praying to know the things that I should and shouldn't be doing.   Working toward breaking my habit of saying "sorry" too much as a way to ease my guilt (or at least being cognizant of the fact that I'm doing that!). Trying to say sorry for those things that I'm genuinely sorry for and giving people time to forgive me or not. I've been working with a therapist to identify when and why I feel shame and how I can combat the negative feelings and actions that are produced by being caught up in that shame.

Goal # 2- I deleted the Facebook app from my phone.  Yes I can still check it through the web browser on my phone, and yes sometimes I still do that but I'm trying to do it less.  I limit my sessions on social media to twice a day and usually only spend about 10 min. per session.  Taking time to have real conversations with people about what is going on in their life so that I keep a better perspective about what real life looks like.

Goal #3- Setting priorities each week about where I spend my time.  I've started writing personal time on my calendars to make sure that breaks are built into my day.  I'm also trying to set up consistent times to exercise and pursue other hobbies.  I used to feel guilty if someone asked me to do something and I said no unless I had a for sure reason I couldn't do it.  Now, if someone asks me to babysit and it's during the time I was going to do something (exercise, read, clean the kitchen) I don't feel as guilty saying no.  Sometimes, if possible I change my schedule, but sometimes when it's the only time I have to get my personal items done then I just say "sorry, maybe next time".  I'm definitely not perfect at this one but I'm working toward it!

As I've read a few books on these subjects and started into counseling to understand some of these issues better I've realized that these goals are all about boundaries.  Each of these goals, in a way, is defining for myself what I am willing to put out there for others and what I'm willing to take from others.  And as I look at the parts of my life that cause frustration and worry, I realize a lot of those feeling come from not setting appropriate boundaries (boundaries for myself, boundaries in my relationships, boundaries at church, even boundaries on my goal setting efforts).

So what does it mean to set a boundary? The most concise definition I could find was on wikipedia where it said: "Personal boundaries are guidelines or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits." 

A video on the subject that I found helpful from lds.org can be found here: Tips to set boundaries in any relationship

I think that boundaries not only apply to how others treat us, but can also extend to how we treat ourselves.  I had reached a point in my life where I was no longer treating myself in a reasonable or safe way.  I had negative thoughts about being worthless, I beat myself up for failures, I even questioned why I was even here.  I needed to set some boundaries for myself.  I also felt frustrated with others frequently.  But as I begin to take responsibility for my own mental health and emotions I realize that my frustrations were not really anchored in the actions of other people, my frustration was with my own reaction.  I didn't stand up for myself.  I didn't state my opinions.  I didn't make course corrections over small things and thus let little things turn into big things.  I realized this when one friend got upset about something and another friend said "how can you be upset with Julia? that's like kicking a puppy?"  I knew she was right and it kind of made me reflect on how I was reacting to things.  I'm not a puppy.  I'm a strong opinionated person! So why have I been letting myself get kicked and why am I acting like a puppy?

At my core I'm a loving person, some people I'm sure would disagree with that, but I feel like I am usually motivated out of charity and love for others.  I am however, also a red personality, I like to get things done! It's sometimes hard to reconcile these two aspects of my personality.  I don't want to step on others toes, I don't want to make a fuss, but at the same time I don't want to be held down or become stagnate. In recent years, I've focused so much on "not making a fuss" I've started doing a lot of unhealthy things- Not stating my opinion, letting others talk for me, not saying things in the right moment so then I vent it passive-aggressively later, letting things build on themselves until they explode. I've been trying so hard to repress the "bad" parts of my red personality I've been letting some of the "good" parts go too.  I'd given up hobbies like debating, writing, and critical thinking.  That last one is more of a life skill than hobby...but you still see my point!

So I'm working on setting those boundaries.  And so far the results are mixed.  Also, it's hard to be brave. It's hard to speak up for what you need after so many years of not doing that.  It's hard to stand firm in what you believe when people are angry, or saddened, or confused by why you believe those things.  Some of these types of conversations have gone really well.  Others haven't. Some people have heard my boundaries and respected me for telling them while others have felt abandoned, called me selfish or insinuated that I'm not being very Christ-like.  But I have to fall back on my first goal of worrying less about what others think of me.  When I've made these boundaries out of love and after reflection and prayer then I have to be confident in taking care of myself. I've had people set boundaries with me and I find that as we are open about what we need in healthy relationships it makes the relationship stronger.  I would much rather someone tell me when I'm crossing a line then sit back and stew and get frustrated with me.  So I try and have faith that others will feel the same.

As a Christian it can be hard to find the balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves.  Others might interpret our need for boundaries as a selfish. We know that we are supposed to be selfless and we know that we need to focus on others' needs as much as our own.  But we also have to take care of ourselves to be able to have anything left to give to others.  We've all heard the analogy of the oxygen in the airplane.  First you put on your mask so you don't pass out, then you help your children put on theirs. Heavenly father expects us to take care of our bodies and our families and sometimes that means we have to disengage from other situations that take from our limited resources (emotional, time, financial) whatever the case may be.  Going back to that original definition about boundaries: if someone is unwilling to be safe or reasonable around you, then it may be time to give it some distance and walk away temporarily until that person is ready to interact with you in a healthier way.  We shouldn't judge what other people do but we can certainly be a wise judge in what we allow into our own lives and homes. Christ would not require us to be put in unsafe situations. He wouldn't want for us to be emotionally, verbally or physically neglected or abused. 

Christ was loving, kind and forgiving.  But he still gave people instruction and commandments.  He gave people the steps and practices that would improve our relationship with God.  I'm certainly not saying we should command people in how they should treat us but it seems probable to me that Christ wouldn't have any problem with us giving people guidelines about steps and practices that can make our relationships healthier too.  When the rich young man asks Christ what else he should do beyond believing on Christ, Christ tells him to sell all he has and follow him.  When the young man refuses to sell all of his great possessions he goes away sorrowful and Christ sorrowfully lets him go.  Christ doesn't say "okay never mind what I said before" or "I guess you don't really have to sell your possessions".  He stands firm in the instruction that he gave.  When we set a boundaries like- you need to listen to my feelings, or you can't be drunk around my kids, or you can't threaten me, or you can't yell profanities in my home, and the person refuses to do those things- then the Christlike thing to do is to step back.  It can be hard to remember but when you take a step back you have to realize that you didn't harm the relationship by making a boundary they harmed the relationship by not being willing to consider the boundary important.

I find that even though I've had more people temporarily upset with me in the last few months than I ever have before I also have more peace.  I feel sorrow that some of my relationships will change and some may even stay broken because others might not be willing to accept my boundaries.  But really, if someone can only be my friend if I'm the only one giving in the relationship, or because they don't know my real opinions about things, or I only tell them what they want to hear, or because I never stand up for myself...it probably wasn't a really quality relationship to begin with.  

I'm learning who I am and what I believe.  I know that I love and care about others.  I know that those who love and care about me will stay by me and support me as I make positive changes in my life and as I state my opinions. I'm learning sometimes being kind and loving requires me to do hard or difficult things. I'm learning that being a "red" personality isn't a bad thing like some would have you believe.  Each personality type has strengths and weaknesses. As I embrace my personality and focus on it's positives I know I can get stuff done! Like improving my relationships, improving my view of self, and improving my mental wellness and quality of life!

Book Review- Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling

Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling by Richard L. Bushman
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Longest good reads review ever coming up...
A very good and honest look at the life of Joseph Smith. The author refers to it as a cultural biography in that it gives a clearer picture to Joseph Smith's actions, teachings, etc. by highlighting the culture of Americans in the early 1800s.

I had marked it as a book that I wanted to read based on the lds topics articles that can be found on LDS.org that discuss some of the churches more controversial teachings (some that were lived historically and some that are lived today) such as polygamy, Heavenly Mother, seer stones, priesthood restrictions, etc. No matter the topic, this book would come up as a reference and so when I was at BYU in early May I went ahead and picked up a copy at the campus bookstore.

I honestly would recommend this to anyone (member or not) who is interested in knowing about the roots of Mormonism. I feel like the author did a pretty good job of presenting the material in a neutral way. In fact, he even dedicates most of the preface to the book explaining why and how he tries to present it in a historically factual yet neutral way. And I felt like it made the book easier to read coming from that perspective. I thought this book would answer a lot of questions for me. And it did. However, it also left me with a whole new (and possibly bigger) crop of questions to be answered in the future. It was definitely not a light read and left my poor husband as the recipient of most of my late night questions and discussions.

I find it funny that sometimes other members of the church will view historical books about the church as anti-mormon literature. Despite having purchased this book at the BYU bookstore I was told by someone that I shouldn't be reading it. I understand that not everyone wants or needs to know about the early church. For me, I feel like if I can only accept the easy parts, and never look at some of the dark or hard to understand parts of church history, can I really claim to have a strong testimony?

After finishing this book I would say that my testimony has definitely been affected. I wouldn't really say that it's been strengthened or lessened, but it has me seeing things a lot differently than I did before. I think we get a very limited number of stories from church history that make up the bulk of what we've been taught in Sunday school and we start to think that everything was the way that those few stories portray it to be. Taking a step back and looking at the entire life of Joseph Smith and the other founding members of the early church helps to make the picture a little less picturesque and little more diverse. These were real people, with real struggles, making good and bad decisions, making mistakes, helping others, fighting, forgiving, etc. That might be hard for some to accept, but for me it makes it more believable and relatable. If God loved these imperfect people maybe he loves me.

So, here are some of the topics this book covers:

Seer Stones/Translation-

I've made my peace long ago with seer stones and the Book of Mormon translation process. Being a bit of mystic myself and knowing what I do about the religious culture of the time I really don't have a problem with Joseph Smith looking for treasure, helping people find lost items, or translating plates by looking into a stone. Do I think that is how God usually talks to people...no. But maybe sometimes he lets people use tools that are comfortable for them. I guess if I believe that Moses talked to Him in a burning bush, I can believe Joseph Smith saw the word of God in a stone. The part that is hard for me to understand is why more members don't know more about this part of Joseph's history or how the Book of Mormon was translated. However, I'm excited that the church's website is starting to address these issues and the church just announced a new extensive church history that will be published in several volumes over the next few years and no doubt added to the Sunday school resources.

First Vision (and the differences in written accounts)-

I'm still good with the first vision. I'm even fine with each of the accounts being different. I don't really feel like any of them contradict one another. Some are more elaborate than others, some focus more on particular aspect, but for the most part tell the same story (even though they may be used to emphasize different points). I know from some of my behavioral science classes when I was becoming a teacher that when a kid tells the same story over and over the same exact way it often means it's an altered story (either covering up details, fabricated by them, or memorized from an adult). Had Joseph Smith told the story word for word the same way each time throughout his life I'd probably be more inclined to think it was made up. But maybe that's just me. An interesting thing to note about that time in American history is that there were tons of people claiming to see Christ and Heavenly Father. And his account really isn’t that uncommon when compared with stories being told by others at the time. I guess for some that would make them inclined to think he was telling the truth, and for others probably that they were all lying. I enjoyed reading more thorough accounts of others who also had first vision stories.

Prophecy

Now this was one of the topics that I feel like I was not very well-read about. I think sometimes the way we think about prophecy is very old testament in nature…God just comes down and states in plain words exactly what his people should do. While Joseph sometimes claims to receive his prophecy this way it’s often received more as impressions and in very vague terms. I was also interested in the many accounts of him being “caught up in the spirit” where he would collapse or shake or have to be carried around from place to place while semi-conscious. Again, historically this is something that a lot of denominations at the time were doing but we always hear so much about him trying to distance the early saints from the Shakers and others that it was interesting how many of those practices he participated in himself.

Also, because so many of his prophecies were indirect or vague. We have to look at his interpretations of prophecy. Sometimes he would publish them directly or give them in front of large groups. Other times he would write them down and then draft and redraft them until he felt like he had it right. A pattern that seems to emerge for me is that Joseph Smith had a tendency to take things overly literal. Or another way of saying that would be that he sometimes took eternal principals and tried to make them fit into the physical mortal world at the time. He hears treasure in Salem and he’s thinking it’s gold when it’s really converts. He hears Kingdom of God and he sets up a secret council of fifty and appoints himself king. He hears that we need to seal the human race together in the Kingdom of God and he starts marrying multiple women and sealing men to one another as father and son for dynastic reasons. He hears Zion and he immediately thinks it’s a specific place- Missouri, Kirtland, eventually Utah. He hears second coming and he thinks it’s happening next week. This isn’t to say he didn’t receive these revelations just that sometimes his interpretation about how it should be handled or how literal it is seems off. I know I sound like I’m trying to rationalize some of the more difficult decisions he made. This is just my own opinion on things. I think the church clarifies some of these and some have just kind of been dropped. We now believe that zion has many stakes all over the world. That the kingdom of God is an eternal organization rather than a physical government. But when it comes to polygamy, it’s just kind of this gray blob out there that no one really knows about. Was it commanded of God? Why? If so, was it lived in the correct way? Etc etc etc. But we’ll get there later on in my polygamy sections.

Word of Wisdom

So some interesting history here about when it was actually enforced. When received Joseph regarded it as a “good thing to try” but not a commandment as serious as say polygamy. I found it interesting that Joseph continued to drink and occasionally smoke the rest of his life. And that sacraments and temple ordinances were all performed with alcohol for many years even after his death. He even gets drunk on occasion and has a fist fight with one of his brothers. I think sometimes we hear the story about him being a young man and needing surgery on his leg and he refuses to drink and says that he’ll be fine if his dad just holds him and we think that indicates he never drank. I don’t fault that church or teachers or anyone for that, it’s just my own incorrect assumption that I made when I was younger.

Mob violence:

There’s no question that Joseph Smith and the early saints had some terrible, violent and unjust acts perpetrated against them. Including theft, tar and feathering, rape, murder, and more. In some cases these things were even made lawful to do to Mormons. However, I always assumed that these acts were all perpetrated by people who didn’t know much about the Mormons or hated them for being different. When in fact many of these stories were carried out by disaffected ex-mormons or even splintering groups within the church itself. For instance the Kirtland temple is taken over by several recently excommunicated members of the quorum of the twelve. It was also unfortunate to read about many instances where church members where found stealing, destroying, burning printing presses etc. of non Mormons either in retaliation or under orders from superiors within the church. Very sad treatment of many people on both sides who did not deserve it.

Polygamy

This one is hard guys. This one is seriously hard for me. I just have a really hard time reconciling polygamy and my belief that God values women equally with men. I just don’t see how they can go together. And I guess I always just put this on the shelf before and said “I’m never going to understand that one so I’m just not going to think about it”. But after reading this book and realizing how important Joseph Smith regarded this practice it’s hard to put it on the shelf and consider myself a well informed saint. Joseph Smith has several quotes referring to polygamy as his crowning doctrine. The doctrine that all other doctrines pointed toward. It's often suggested that it was just a test of the obedience but that's not what Joseph Smith taught. He believed it was a necessary ordinance of exaltation...just like baptism or marriage. So, I guess I have to take a closer look at it.

Upon closer inspection, however, you find some hard stories. Already married women who are sealed to Joseph Smith instead of their husbands. Sexual relations with younger women, older women and the already married women. Joseph actively telling people to keep it secret from Emma (his first wife) and telling women when it’s safe to come over to avoid Emma. Emma threatening to leave him. In fact, as he begins to extend the practice of polygamy to other men he tells those men that part of the doctrine of polygamy is that they must keep it secret from their first wives also. How could a loving God require that of women or men? It’s a lot to take in.

It's also interesting to note that so many men left the religion because they refused to live polygamy. Oliver Cowdery, Orson Hyde, and more. Eventually some come back and do live polygamy but many others don't. It's often suggested that these men left because they wanted more power within the church or wanted to be prophet. That may have been true too but we have to acknoweledge that on some level a lot of these men leave over polygamy.

I mentioned before that it is kind of ambiguous why the church stopped that practice. Certainly a partial reason is to gain statehood. Many of the early saints and prophets of the restoration have multiple quotes about polygamy being superior to monogamy and that polygamy will never be taken from the earth again. Yet it is. So if they were wrong about it never being stopped, is it possible they were wrong about starting it up in the first place? Or is it a case like when they started to practice the law of consecration and they failed at it so God stepped it back a bit. And if they were practicing polygamy wrong, in what ways was it wrong? Should it not have just been men with multiple spouses? Maybe it was more of an eternal principal and they didn’t need to have marriages in the mortal or sexual sense? Maybe it was supposed to be a financial or protective joining rather than a physical one? Again, these are the questions I have. I’m not trying to give anyone any answers.

And lastly, the reason that this topic is so hard for me to put on a shelf- the fact that it is still in some form practiced today. As Mormons, we claim all the time that the practice was ended a hundred years ago. And while that’s physically true we still practice spiritual polygamy all the time through temple sealings. If a man divorces or becomes a widower he can be sealed to a new spouse at the same time while a woman may only be sealed to one man. I know that several years ago, it was changed so that a deceased woman can now be sealed to more than one man, but that is much less common than the other. So it’s not really that we aren’t practicing polygamy we’ve just postponed it for the next life.

There's approximately 1 million more things I could say about this topic but since the book I'm currently reading is a biography of women who lived polygamy I'll save the rest for that book review.

Women and the Gospel

This is the last topic I’ll hit, even though there are more that I’d love to discuss. It’s hard to be a religious woman because we are told over and over again that we should find ourselves in the scriptures and learn about our divine potential from our heavenly parents. But all of the writers of scripture are men and 98% of the stories are about men. And we know tons about our Heavenly Father but very little of our Heavenly Mother. I feel like church leaders today are good and they are careful to add women into the scriptures. When a scripture says the word man you might often hear them add “and women” when reading it aloud. But given the cultural background and attitudes toward women at the time when the doctrine and covenants or bible was written it’s not very likely that the original authors thought it included women. It’s kind of like when the Founding fathers wrote “All men are created equal” they didn’t mean women or other races, they meant all white men are created equal. When Joseph Smith hears “This is my work and my Glory- to bring to pass the immortality and Eternal life of man” he is thinking of it in the same way- Man, not woman.

One clear place we can see this is in temple practices that are different for men and for women based on Eve’s choice. So even though one of the articles of Faith written by Joseph Smith says Men won’t be punished for Adam’s transgression the follow up to that is that Women will be punished for Eve’s. This shows me that when Joseph Smith wrote man in this context, he meant just that, man.

The church organization from the beginning has men at the lead with women at home taking care of the family and property. I’m not saying I want the priesthood or anything. I just mean that reading this helped me empathize with early latter-day saint women. For months at a time the men are in the school of the prophets or in the temple learning and being edified while the women are left at home doing all their own chores, and their husbands chores, and taking care of the children (many of whom die in their arms.) While things aren’t quite as bleak for me today. It’s still very hard in church culture when my husband is called into so many meetings and receives so much training and I’m often left at home taking care of all the other things. Or I’m left at church taking care of all the kids and can’t hear any of the spiritual messages. It’s hard to feel like my bucket is getting filled at all.

I also was under the impression that men and women received the endowment at the same time. When in fact it was actually a few years in between the first endowment of the male leadership and the endowments given to women. Part of this has to do with the fact that the first endowment didn’t resemble our current endowment in any way. When it was revisited a few years later, and given more structure, it was then made available to women for the purpose of them being able to enter into polygamy. It was also interesting to note that there was an ordinance called a “second anointing” that was given after the endowment to people as a gift for helping Joseph marry additional wives or for entering into polygamy themselves. When I tried to look this up on LDS.org the only reference was in a Sunday school lesson that said “Do not try to discuss or answer any questions about the second anointing”- which kind of gave me a sinking feeling.

So, I’m not apostate. I’m just making sense of things. I guess a huge takeaway for me is that God uses imperfect people. And that maybe he doesn’t reveal all of his purposes even to his most elect because we are all here to make decisions and be tried. Even with all the questions I have I’m able to see Joseph Smith as a prophet. But not infallible. I know that we all make mistakes and that he made mistakes. But, sometimes it would be nice to know which things were mistakes and which weren’t. For each person that line is going to be different...obviously some people think it was all a mistake or lie, others think none of it was a mistake and it was all done perfectly, for me the truth seems to be somewhere in the middle. Like I said before- sometimes the church clarifies and sometimes they don’t. Are the holding things back? Are we just not ready? Are some things just unknowable? Anyway, all of you people who are smarter than I am, read this book and give me some answers! Please! ;)

View all my reviews

Book Review- I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power by Brené Brown
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I had a friend bring this book over and suggest I read it. I'm so glad she did! What an awesome read! I wish everyone could read it. I think it encompasses so much of what makes us human and shows us patterns of why we live our lives the way we do. It starts out by helping us realize that we live in a world of "shaming". With the internet, cell phones, etc we are able to shame one another at a whole new level. Stories that would once have only been told in a small circle have the ability to be shared globally and go viral. We are bombarded with shaming advertising telling us we are not good enough (unless we buy their product). This book helped identify for me why I shame myself, what areas of my life I feel ashamed of, how do I feel shame, how do I shame others, and how can I develop "shame resilience".

For me, this book helped to really define productive behaviors and damaging behaviors. This book also helped me realize that not all productive and damaging behaviors are polar opposites. Often damaging behaviors are disguised as productive, good and desirable. This book breaks them down and shows that while they may appear to be a productive behavior on the surface they are actually hurting us and keeping us further away from our authentic selves. Examples of this are: guilt vs. shame, empathy vs. sympathy, blame ourselves and others vs. holding ourselves and others accountable, etc. Before this book I might have viewed guilt and shame as synonyms. Same with empathy and sympathy.

The author helps us see that guilt is rooted in what we do, while shame is rooted in what we are. When we believe we did something "bad" we can be motivated to change it. When we simply believe we ARE "bad" we are motivated to hate ourselves, cover it up, isolate ourselves, etc. and are pushed further into the "bad" behavior.

Similarly, Empathy helps us connect with others and as a group move out of shame and toward change. Sympathy divides us from one another and pushes one or both groups into their own shame and leaves them alone there. She describes sympathy as someone saying "I'm over here and you're over there. I'm sorry for you and I'm sad for you. AND while I'm sorry that happened to you, let's be clear: I'm over here". I loved this description! Spot on! It also explains why in today's world when we go "sympathy seeking" by complaining on social media instead of to a trusted friend, or trying to one-up other people by saying "you think you've got it bad", we wind up feeling more alone and shameful then we did keeping it all to ourselves. When we try to set ourselves apart as being the worst or having it the worst we isolate ourselves from others because we don't give them a chance to empathize with us and they are left with only sympathy to give.

She also discusses the idea of "unwanted identity". We all have different identities that we don't want people to assign to us but often we assign them to ourselves. We worry that others think we are stupid, loud, ugly, naive, lazy, cruel, etc. We connect things in our lives like overweight=lazy. Opinionated=loudmouth. Assertive=bossy. We go to great lengths to avoid these "unwanted identities" and ultimately drive ourselves crazy trying to predict what others will think in every situation and avoid it by doing something else. It's impossible. And it's actually rooted more in what we think of ourselves than in what others think of us.

Mostly what any of us want is to feel like we belong. Some might describe this desire as wanting to be "normal". In chapter nine she even says that her shame research really breaks down into the power of connection and the dangers of disconnection. And this was really the thing I needed most to hear right now: "Disconnection is both the source and consequence of shame, fear and blame. Insulating, judging others, blaming, raging, stereotyping, labeling-these are all forms of disconnection. But there is another form of disconnection, one that is often more painful and confusing than all of these other forms: It is the feeling of being disconnected from ourselves. We are often so influenced by what other people think and so overwhelmed with trying to be who other people need us to be, that we actually lose touch with our sense of self. We lose our grounding. We lose our authenticity. The reason this is so painful is because our authenticity is the very foundation from which meaningful change occurs."

I could keep going all night but those were my biggest take-aways. The major point of the book was that we can't shame ourselves or others into changing. Love, compassion and empathy are the only ways to produce change in the world. We need to apply the principles of compassion to ourselves, our relationships, our parenting, and all aspects of our lives if we hope to see any change. Seriously, read this book and then lets talk!

View all my reviews

Perfect New Year's Goals and the Imperfect People Who Make Them

As I've been considering the resolutions I make this year I've felt impressed to share them on my blog.  I say I've felt impressed to share them because they aren't really the type of goals that I'm accustomed to making for myself. They are not very pretty or flashy.  In  fact, I'm probably going to embarrass myself over and over again to accomplish them.  Interest piqued? Good! Read on...

In order to share these goals with you I'm going to have to be honest about the current condition of my mental health and that is a really scary thing to do. But at least it proves I do still, in fact, have a mind after having  five kids so that's hopeful. This post might be surprising or even confusing to some but there are others out there who will know all to well what I'm talking about and I'd love for them to know that they are not alone.

In the midst of instagram, pinterest, and lifestyle blogs I think sometimes we begin to forget what real life looks like. And although I've never purposefully tried to be unrealistic I think I've definitely been guilty of only posting the good parts of me on social media.  So, this post is about the other side of life.   This part of life doesn't get beautifully photographed or attached to our Christmas letters.  But for many of us it's always there.  Sometimes loud and large, sometimes small and almost unseen.  The hard, ugly, not fun part of life that gets overlooked and hidden until it roars and looms and won't be ignored any longer. And while this post would probably be easier to write in a year from now when things are less raw, or even ten years from now when parts begin to become fuzzy, I think perhaps it can have the most impact now. And so as scary as it is to write, this is the story of my postpartum depression and what it's taught me about the world we live in now.

Mentally, physically and emotionally the task of making resolutions this year has seemed completely overwhelming to me.  Not to mention, you know, actually following through on any kind of self improvement tasks. Usually a new year brings me excitement and a sense of purpose but this year has found me exhausted, confused and at times completely hopeless. The self help books, religious articles and motivational speeches that would have once left me feeling driven, determined and ready to be better have left me feeling alone, abandoned and broken.

Two years ago I was at the peak of my game.  I had lost 50 lbs. I ran my first half marathon. I was teaching preschool, serving as a PTA officer at my kids' school, running a small cake decorating business, teaching the women's group at church and updating my mom blog pretty regularly.  If I ever had free time I would feel guilty and fill it up with something else. And I wore my "busy-ness" badge with pride.  Yes, pride.  Because I'd bought into the idea that my worth as a person was no more than the sum total of what I could accomplish in a day.  A very easy trap to fall in to and one that I'll address more later.

For now lets fast forward to six months ago.  I moved across town and had my fifth child! A beautiful little boy that is a huge blessing in my life! But it was a rough pregnancy and I had to give up several items on my check list. Then I ended up in a c-section after spending months commuting an hour away to a doctor who would do a vbac.  And I felt like a failure. So I decided this failure was because I just working hard enough. So I recommitted to my checklists and 5 days after my c-section I was back out in the world sitting poolside while my kids swam with friends.  And I started back to exercising at 3 weeks. And I cleaned the whole house. And I organized the kids clothes.  And I wound up back at the doctors with an infection and exhausted and was told that I needed to slow down.  So I did.  For about 2 days.  Then I was still unhappy so I found thing after thing to blame this unhappiness on...first it was my wardrobe.  Nothing fit. So I bought new clothes. Still unhappy.  Must be that my house needed work, fixed up the house. Still unhappy.  So I moved on to the next thing...

Finally, after about two months of failed attempts to resume my pre-baby lifestyle I found myself exhausted, angry, agitated and quite frankly confused as to what to do.  The activities that had once brought my joy (cooking, organizing, volunteering) now just brought me frustration and depression.  The activities that had once recharged my batteries (parties, book club, being social) brought only anxiety and agitation. Unable to cover up how I was feeling for long periods of time I began to attend less.  I'd show up late or leave early when I felt like people might see the real me peeking through.  I stopped blogging and volunteering. I stopped cleaning or cooking. And I finally let the depression and anxiety overtake me and I felt completely swallowed up. My husband covered for me when he could and once a week I'd put on my smile and head out to church and for a while the charade worked and no one knew a thing. And it got to the point where I looked at my life and I honestly couldn't see anything that I was doing right. And it got to the point where I couldn't remember ever doing anything right. And I wondered if I would ever be able to do anything right ever.

Luckily, I have a husband, and family, and a few close friends who convinced me to seek help.  And it was scary and hard to admit that I needed others help and the lessons that I've learned about postpartum health, and mental health, and medication, and therapy, and meditation could fill a whole blog.  But, I'm already six paragraphs into this post and I'm still not at my point so I'm going to jump over all the lessons I've learned and get to the point...

New Year's goals!  This experience with depression and anxiety has caused me to look at my life and think about what is and isn't working.  The most shocking realization for me was that even when I was accomplishing my whole list I wasn't happy. And as I look back at the goals I've made for myself in the past I can see that they haven't made me happy.  Regardless of how many things I was checking off my list, I was still living life on the verge of a breakdown.  So why? Why can I try to do good things and not end up in a good place? And I realized it's because I haven't done things with the right intentions.  My way of looking at goals was I'm going to try and be better at X,Y, and Z because then maybe I'll be a good person, more worthy, more well-liked.  When I really should have been saying because I'm a good and worthy person I'm going to do X,Y, and Z to help me improve.  The difference is slight but important.

What are some of the wrong reasons to do good things? Maybe some of us make goals out of guilt.  Or because others expect it of us. Or maybe we pick our goals because they look the prettiest on social media or so that others will know how good we are.  Maybe some of us pick goals because everyone else is doing it. Or maybe we pick goals for the joy of making a list.  Or because we are competitive.

I recently re-read a talk about the difference between doing and being by Lynn G. Robbins. He says "Many of us create to do lists to remind us of things we want to accomplish. But people rarely have to be lists. Why? To do’s are activities or events that can be checked off the list when done. To be, however, is never done. You can’t earn checkmarks with to be’s...Do without be—hypocrisy—portrays a false image to others, while be without do portrays a false image to oneself."  I've been doing without being.  We can do this all the time.  People can memorize scriptures all day long but if they don't apply what they are reading (like becoming kinder or more humble) then it hasn't really effected who they are at all.  We can go to church and learn about God but if we don't believe that he loves all of his children equally we haven't learned anything. We can make the most perfect, picture worthy, food for our families but still be an emotionally neglectful parent. We can lose 50 lbs. and still be an unhealthy person.

So how do we switch our thinking?  When we make a goal to lose weight is it so that we'll feel healthier and happier or is because we think society is judging us because we don't look like a billboard ad? When we make a spiritual goal is it to bring us closer to God and our fellow man or is to distinguish ourselves as more spiritual than someone else. When we talk to our children about goal-setting is our emphasis on them getting better grades, cleaning their room better, and looking perfect on Sunday or are we talking about the more important things in life like being kind and patient, actually learning things instead of just memorizing facts, and forming healthy relationships with others. We have to break free of guilt, shame, and expectation and start goal setting using hope, joy, and love.

In that spirit,  I am trying to make goals this year that will actually help me be a better person, not just look like a better person. Instead of trying to cover up my flaws by doing more good things, I'm going to try to do less of the things that are bad for me. So without further ado, my goals...

Goal #1) Care less about what other people think of me.  I think writing this embarrassingly honest blog post is a good start! When we choose actions based on what other people might think of us we can drive ourselves crazy.  This doesn't mean that we don't consider other people's feelings. But just that we also consider our own feelings as equally important.  So I'm going to spend less time being a door mat or a punching bag. When we allow others opinions or expectations to dictate our actions then we are "doing" without actually "being".  We also stand the risk of being wishy-washy as we are tossed about from one persons opinion to the next.  I'm going to be more confidant in the things I believe, or feel, or want and express those to the people around me.  I'm also going to focus on the opinions that matter most to me...like my family, my Savior and myself.  I'm going to spend less time seeing how many of my junior high school friends "like" my status. I'm going to speak my mind more. I'm going to worry less about if people are upset or offended by me by trusting that they will tell me when they are. And if they decide to gossip about me or harbor grudges that's on them. When someone brings up something they think I could do better or differently I'm not going to immediately cave.  I will listen to their opinion and then decide either A) yes, they are right and I need to change or B) I'm going to stand strong in my opinion on this. I'm going to be more realistic about what is going on in my life. I'm going to allow myself to be happy when I feel happy and sad when I feel sad. And I'm going to have faith that the people who matter will love me anyway.

Goal #2)  Care less about what other people are doing. Well this sounds like a jerk move! But what I mean by this is that I'm going to do less comparing and competing.  Isn't there a saying like unhappiness comes from counting others people's blessings more than your own.  If not, there should be on account of it would really help the point I'm trying to make! How will I make this a measurable goal? I'm going to spend less time on social media. I'm going to uninstall apps that don't make happy.  I'm going to be more genuinely happy for others successes by realizing that they don't make mine less.  I'm going to realize that we usually aren't seeing the whole picture and that people all have struggles. If people do something that hurts me I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt that it was an accident. I'm going to spend less time being upset by other people. I'm going to forgive and let things go faster.  I'm going to engage less in unhealthy competition. I say unhealthy competition because we all need a little competition in our lives to move us forward but I've let it get out of control.  Don't worry, I'll still be doing fitbit challenges, but when someone tries to compete about money, kids, houses, who's busier, etc. I'm not going to engage. I'm going to realize more that people don't really care all that much about what I'm doing either.  So I can spend more time enjoying my kids school performance and less time getting the perfect picture for instagram.  Bam! I just reclaimed like 10 minutes of my life every day!

Goal #3) Do less. Um, isn't this the exact opposite of setting a goal? Probably.  But I've been doing a lot of things that just really aren't that important.  I go full speed and fill up every part of my day until I get overly tired and crash and burn.  This year I'm going to try and take small breaks along the way so that I can stay more even.  I'm going to say no more often. (That should be easy, right? Since I'm caring less about what other people think of me) I'm going to realize I can't be all things to all people and that I have to prioritize what I'm doing.  I understand that where I spend my time is effecting who I become.  Do I spend it with my kids? Do I spend it doing mundane chores? Do I spend it on facebook? I understand that I still have to do things I don't want to do but I've got to find a healthier balance by sprinkling in some things I do want to do.  I have to clean my house but I doesn't have to be immaculate.  I have to feed my family but I'm not a failure if we have to have chicken nuggets one night.  I have to exercise but it's okay if I'm not running marathons. I'm not going to feel guilty if I do something fun before all of my chores are done.  Some days I'm going to nail my entire to-do list and some days I'm going to binge watch old episodes of West Wing and I'm an equally awesome person on both. I'm going to let people know my limits more. Oh, and I also might take a nap sometime.  Yeah, that would be sweet.

Goal #4) See goal #3 and stop adding more goals to the list.

Do I still need/want to lose weight? Sure! Do I still have a goodreads goal? Yep! But this year I'm going to focus more on what I am ("a super girl working on her degree") and less time worrying if I'm doing enough. The journey to becoming a better person starts with believing you are already a good and worthwhile person.  That's a step I've been missing in the past.  Becoming a stronger, healthier person is going to feel uncomfortable at times.  I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to fail. I'm going to accidentally step on others toes and misspeak. It's not going to look perfect or pinterest worthy. But I'm doing it anyway.  By doing less of the things that are holding me back I'm going to move forward.  By spending less time on things that make me ultimately unhappy I'm going to have more time to look for joy, love and peace.  If you need someone to remind you that you are a good and worthy person too I'm here for you! Happy New Year!

Emeline- A Birth Story

Maybe it's because I can't believe I have a ten year old or maybe it's because we have a 1 week old newborn but I've been reflecting on my kids' birth stories a lot this week. I realized that while I've written their stories down privately I've never really written them down for others. So for their birthdays this year I'm going to try and record them here.

I feel like I've told Emeline's birth story millions of times but then I'm always surprised by close friends and family who have never heard it. So I've decided after a decade I'm finally ready to write it all down :)

It's not that I don't like telling it but there are a few reasons that make me pause.  1) It was a very stressful night but also one of my most sacred. I regard a lot of the story a miracle but I know not everyone believes in those. 2) I hate when people tell newly pregnant ladies their "horror" stories and 3) because I know I have some friends who have not had happy endings to their stories like these and I love them and don't want to cause them pain.

Sometimes I feel like Emmy's story has become a kind of urban legend in my small town. People will often ask me to tell it in groups. Medical staff that were present use it to freak out new nurses when we go in for Emmy's annual check ups.  I will still to this day have firefighters, paramedics, and nurses that I don't recognize come up to me and say that they were there the morning Emmy was born and that they still remember everything.  Every time we have to see a new specialist and they read her medical records they always say "this has to be a typo". But it isn't! So here it is...

We moved to our little town when I was about 7 months pregnant with Emmy.   Since I was switching obstetricians so late in the game my new doctor decided to do a new set of ultrasounds.  In those ultrasounds Emmy was not moving, had a low heart rate and hadn't grown as much as she should have by then.  At that point I was labeled high risk and had to start weekly non-stress tests where they have you drink some cold water and track the baby's movements. After a few weeks of failing the NSTs and Emmy not moving or growing they decided there was a problem with Emeline's umbilical cord and it would be best to induce labor and get her here.

So on Aug. 2nd I went to the hospital to have our first little girl.  After about 19 hours and a couple rounds of pitocin I was stalled out at about a 7.  I finally decided to go ahead and get an epidural at about 2:00am on Aug 3rd.  By 2:30 I was ready to push and Emeline was born at 3:03.

Emeline was pretty purple and the doctor could not get her to breathe. After two minutes of trying to get her to breathe the doctor tried to use an oxygen bag on her but there was something blocking the air from getting to Emmy's lungs.  At this point she lost her heartbeat also and a code blue was called.  We were lucky to live in a small town because no patients were in the E.R. that night so they sent up two doctors from there to help us.  Our pediatrician was also called and made a 12 minute drive to the hospital in about 4 min. (Something he is very proud of!).  By the time everyone was assembled Emmy had been without oxygen for 15 minutes and had lost her heartbeat once. The E.R. doctor that came to assist started working on placing a chest tube but her little lungs still wouldn't inflate.

The first time I remember looking at the clock was at 3:23.  It had been exactly 20 min. since Emmy was born with still no cry, sound or breath and I remember thinking this was it.  In moments like that your brain goes through a lot of different thoughts at once.  Terror, wishing for miracles, complete blank.  At one point I remember thinking, we'll just get pregnant again and have another baby.  And then you snap to and think "No, I want THIS baby!!!".  I remember wanting to pray for Emeline but I couldn't get words out or remember how to put a prayer together. The hymn "The Lord is my Shepard" popped into my head and I started singing it out loud.  One of the doctor's told the nurse to get me out of the room because I was losing it and so I told them I'd be quiet if they let me stay.  Then suddenly the chest tube worked and they got oxygen into the lungs.

 Unfortunately the pressure blew a hole through the bottom of her right lung but they were able to start doing some breathing for her.  Once this happened they needed to wheel her to another room for more space and I think also because they didn't want Alex and I in the same room if they lost her.  5 minutes later my doctor came in and said that they had lost a heartbeat a second time and that they had tried everything but Emeline wasn't going to make it.  This was when I finally started crying and we quickly called my parents to tell them to come to the hospital so that they could at least meet Emmy.

At 3:33, 30 minutes after Emeline was born my doctor came back in the room and told us that after Emeline's heart failed for the third time they had decided that nothing else could be done and stepped back from Emmy.  She then told us that she wasn't a religious person but that once the doctors stepped back "an unseen presence entered the room and put life into Emeline".  Her heart started beating, she took her first unaided breath and turned pink.

While Emeline was now stable the next question was what the lack of oxygen had done to her body.  The three things they worry most about are the brain, eyes and kidneys at this point. The doctors told us that even though Emmy would probably survive there was a chance that she might be brain dead. In order to stop the brain from receiving further damage they decided to basically put her into a coma using medication.  Before doing that they allowed Alex, me and my parents to see her.

I was still being put back together so to speak so I was the last one to be wheeled into the small closet of a NICU that they have at our little medical center. While I was on my way she peed for the first time which was a hopeful sign for her kidney functions.  When I got to the room there was only one little hand that didn't have something attached to it.  I held it and gave it a little kiss and said that I was her mom and I loved her and then she turned her little head and opened her eyes for the first time!  The nurses got very excited because her eyes opening was another hopeful sign that she could respond to things.

Emeline needed to be transported to a bigger hospital about an hour and a half away but she needed too much equipment to fit into the usual helicopter.  So we had to wait until a small airplane could come up from the other hospital to get her.  We are LDS, so during this wait time Alex called our bishop (which is the ecclesiastical leader for our church group) and he came and helped Alex give me and Emeline priesthood blessings of health and peace.  Our pediatrician, then realizing we were LDS, talked about how one of his sons friends had given them a Book of Mormon and that he'd read part of it before.  He then told us about how he'd been in the room when Emeline started breathing and that he knew it was a miracle. He still tells this story as often as he can.  Pretty much any time we are at the doctor's office for Emmy he'll pull a nurse into the room and say "see this girl, she was born dead and look at her now!"  Each of the other nurses and doctors who had been part of helping Emmy also told us about the experience and how it was the biggest miracle they had witnessed.  With many adding "and I'm not a religious person" :)

The airplane couldn't land at the hospital so Emmy needed to be taken to the airport via ambulance first.  When the airplane was ready about half of the fire department came to the hospital to pick up Emeline and get her to the airport.  There wasn't room for Alex and I to fly with her so Alex and my dad started the drive down to the new hospital. My doctor decided that I had lost a lot of blood and needed to stay one more night in the hospital before I could drive down.

By the time I finally made it down to see Emeline again she was about to be taken off of her ventilator.  Finally, about 48 hours after she was born, I got to hold her for the first time! Over the next two weeks in the NICU she continued to get better and stronger.  She passed test after test and was allowed to come home.  She was still on an oxygen tank and some prescriptions that kept her pretty sleepy but we were out of the hospital at last!

From that point it was just a waiting game to see what parts of the brain would be affected.  But she kept meeting many of her benchmarks.  She was eating well, smiling, responding to sound, etc.  As we continued to meet with an occupational therapist we did start to notice that in gross motor she began to fall behind.  She started to sit up at about 1 year and was almost two when she took her first steps (during a game of charades by the way!).  She had a hard time swallowing and drooled a lot.  This made eating and talking difficult for her too. Around 18 months she started working with a physical therapist and speech therapist.  At 3 years old she started at the developmental preschool in our district so she could have even more access to speech, OT and PT services.

Today Emmy is doing wonderfully!  She has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy. She wears braces (AFO's) on both legs to help with her gait.  She's graduated out of speech but will probably continue with OT and PT the rest of her life.  She is such a hard worker and is always competing against herself to do things better, faster, etc.  Once when she was around 4 years old this little boy at the park kept telling her how slow she was.  So she came over to me and asked me to time her on the ladder to the slide.  She kept doing it over and over until she thought her time was fast enough.  That story always sticks with me because it really illustrates Emmy's approach to life!

I've sometimes been asked by other special needs mamas why I don't talk about it more.  I just want Emmy to be able to tell her own story in the way she wants it told.  I step in when she asks me to and we've talked with friends, or family, or classmates about what cerebral palsy is.  But I don't want Emmy to be defined only by cerebral palsy.  It's a part of who she is but it's not everything.  Just like I'm not just a special needs mom, it's a part of who I am.  And honestly, now that I have 5 kiddos I can see that all of us have special needs.  Some of our needs are easier to see than others but all of us have strengths and weaknesses that we are working on all of the time. 

I am so grateful for all of the things I've learned by being a mom to each of my kids.  Emmy teaches me new lessons daily.  (I have a lot to learn!) Even though I wish I could take away her struggles and I still grapple with feelings of guilt from her birth experience I do have peace that this is the way things are and the way they were supposed to be.  I know that our family has grown and changed so much because of it.  I think sometimes we look back and play the what if game.  And we always assume that had we done things differently maybe it would have turned out better.  But I think we have also acknowledge that maybe they would have turned out worse.  Even though so many things went wrong with Emeline's birth, so many other things went right.  There were ER doctors to spare, our pediatrician could get there quickly because it was the middle of the night, etc.

I'm so grateful for all of the people who were involved in saving Emeline's life.  I can't even count all of the people who have been involved in her healing and growth and learning since then.  We've been blessed with amazing doctors, specialists, nurses, therapists, and teachers who love Emeline and do so much good in her world!  I sometimes read stories about people mistreating others with special needs or articles about "what not to say to mom's of special needs kiddos" etc. And while there have been hard moments where family or friends have not understood Emmy's disability or said something thoughtless there are mostly really happy moments where people just go out of their way to love Emmy or help our family.  I love watching how kind other kids can be. I love getting to meet other parents or people that just give so much time to serve my little girl.

I can't believe it's been 10 years since she was born.  When I think back to that first day, there was no way I could have ever predicted what life would have looked like today!  -For one thing, I thought Emmy was going to be an only child :) I'm so lucky to have such a great kid! She's an amazing big sister for her siblings and she's got a giant spirit!  I hope she has a great birthday. I love you Emeline!

Thanks for reading!