Perfect New Year's Goals and the Imperfect People Who Make Them

As I've been considering the resolutions I make this year I've felt impressed to share them on my blog.  I say I've felt impressed to share them because they aren't really the type of goals that I'm accustomed to making for myself. They are not very pretty or flashy.  In  fact, I'm probably going to embarrass myself over and over again to accomplish them.  Interest piqued? Good! Read on...

In order to share these goals with you I'm going to have to be honest about the current condition of my mental health and that is a really scary thing to do. But at least it proves I do still, in fact, have a mind after having  five kids so that's hopeful. This post might be surprising or even confusing to some but there are others out there who will know all to well what I'm talking about and I'd love for them to know that they are not alone.

In the midst of instagram, pinterest, and lifestyle blogs I think sometimes we begin to forget what real life looks like. And although I've never purposefully tried to be unrealistic I think I've definitely been guilty of only posting the good parts of me on social media.  So, this post is about the other side of life.   This part of life doesn't get beautifully photographed or attached to our Christmas letters.  But for many of us it's always there.  Sometimes loud and large, sometimes small and almost unseen.  The hard, ugly, not fun part of life that gets overlooked and hidden until it roars and looms and won't be ignored any longer. And while this post would probably be easier to write in a year from now when things are less raw, or even ten years from now when parts begin to become fuzzy, I think perhaps it can have the most impact now. And so as scary as it is to write, this is the story of my postpartum depression and what it's taught me about the world we live in now.

Mentally, physically and emotionally the task of making resolutions this year has seemed completely overwhelming to me.  Not to mention, you know, actually following through on any kind of self improvement tasks. Usually a new year brings me excitement and a sense of purpose but this year has found me exhausted, confused and at times completely hopeless. The self help books, religious articles and motivational speeches that would have once left me feeling driven, determined and ready to be better have left me feeling alone, abandoned and broken.

Two years ago I was at the peak of my game.  I had lost 50 lbs. I ran my first half marathon. I was teaching preschool, serving as a PTA officer at my kids' school, running a small cake decorating business, teaching the women's group at church and updating my mom blog pretty regularly.  If I ever had free time I would feel guilty and fill it up with something else. And I wore my "busy-ness" badge with pride.  Yes, pride.  Because I'd bought into the idea that my worth as a person was no more than the sum total of what I could accomplish in a day.  A very easy trap to fall in to and one that I'll address more later.

For now lets fast forward to six months ago.  I moved across town and had my fifth child! A beautiful little boy that is a huge blessing in my life! But it was a rough pregnancy and I had to give up several items on my check list. Then I ended up in a c-section after spending months commuting an hour away to a doctor who would do a vbac.  And I felt like a failure. So I decided this failure was because I just working hard enough. So I recommitted to my checklists and 5 days after my c-section I was back out in the world sitting poolside while my kids swam with friends.  And I started back to exercising at 3 weeks. And I cleaned the whole house. And I organized the kids clothes.  And I wound up back at the doctors with an infection and exhausted and was told that I needed to slow down.  So I did.  For about 2 days.  Then I was still unhappy so I found thing after thing to blame this unhappiness on...first it was my wardrobe.  Nothing fit. So I bought new clothes. Still unhappy.  Must be that my house needed work, fixed up the house. Still unhappy.  So I moved on to the next thing...

Finally, after about two months of failed attempts to resume my pre-baby lifestyle I found myself exhausted, angry, agitated and quite frankly confused as to what to do.  The activities that had once brought my joy (cooking, organizing, volunteering) now just brought me frustration and depression.  The activities that had once recharged my batteries (parties, book club, being social) brought only anxiety and agitation. Unable to cover up how I was feeling for long periods of time I began to attend less.  I'd show up late or leave early when I felt like people might see the real me peeking through.  I stopped blogging and volunteering. I stopped cleaning or cooking. And I finally let the depression and anxiety overtake me and I felt completely swallowed up. My husband covered for me when he could and once a week I'd put on my smile and head out to church and for a while the charade worked and no one knew a thing. And it got to the point where I looked at my life and I honestly couldn't see anything that I was doing right. And it got to the point where I couldn't remember ever doing anything right. And I wondered if I would ever be able to do anything right ever.

Luckily, I have a husband, and family, and a few close friends who convinced me to seek help.  And it was scary and hard to admit that I needed others help and the lessons that I've learned about postpartum health, and mental health, and medication, and therapy, and meditation could fill a whole blog.  But, I'm already six paragraphs into this post and I'm still not at my point so I'm going to jump over all the lessons I've learned and get to the point...

New Year's goals!  This experience with depression and anxiety has caused me to look at my life and think about what is and isn't working.  The most shocking realization for me was that even when I was accomplishing my whole list I wasn't happy. And as I look back at the goals I've made for myself in the past I can see that they haven't made me happy.  Regardless of how many things I was checking off my list, I was still living life on the verge of a breakdown.  So why? Why can I try to do good things and not end up in a good place? And I realized it's because I haven't done things with the right intentions.  My way of looking at goals was I'm going to try and be better at X,Y, and Z because then maybe I'll be a good person, more worthy, more well-liked.  When I really should have been saying because I'm a good and worthy person I'm going to do X,Y, and Z to help me improve.  The difference is slight but important.

What are some of the wrong reasons to do good things? Maybe some of us make goals out of guilt.  Or because others expect it of us. Or maybe we pick our goals because they look the prettiest on social media or so that others will know how good we are.  Maybe some of us pick goals because everyone else is doing it. Or maybe we pick goals for the joy of making a list.  Or because we are competitive.

I recently re-read a talk about the difference between doing and being by Lynn G. Robbins. He says "Many of us create to do lists to remind us of things we want to accomplish. But people rarely have to be lists. Why? To do’s are activities or events that can be checked off the list when done. To be, however, is never done. You can’t earn checkmarks with to be’s...Do without be—hypocrisy—portrays a false image to others, while be without do portrays a false image to oneself."  I've been doing without being.  We can do this all the time.  People can memorize scriptures all day long but if they don't apply what they are reading (like becoming kinder or more humble) then it hasn't really effected who they are at all.  We can go to church and learn about God but if we don't believe that he loves all of his children equally we haven't learned anything. We can make the most perfect, picture worthy, food for our families but still be an emotionally neglectful parent. We can lose 50 lbs. and still be an unhealthy person.

So how do we switch our thinking?  When we make a goal to lose weight is it so that we'll feel healthier and happier or is because we think society is judging us because we don't look like a billboard ad? When we make a spiritual goal is it to bring us closer to God and our fellow man or is to distinguish ourselves as more spiritual than someone else. When we talk to our children about goal-setting is our emphasis on them getting better grades, cleaning their room better, and looking perfect on Sunday or are we talking about the more important things in life like being kind and patient, actually learning things instead of just memorizing facts, and forming healthy relationships with others. We have to break free of guilt, shame, and expectation and start goal setting using hope, joy, and love.

In that spirit,  I am trying to make goals this year that will actually help me be a better person, not just look like a better person. Instead of trying to cover up my flaws by doing more good things, I'm going to try to do less of the things that are bad for me. So without further ado, my goals...

Goal #1) Care less about what other people think of me.  I think writing this embarrassingly honest blog post is a good start! When we choose actions based on what other people might think of us we can drive ourselves crazy.  This doesn't mean that we don't consider other people's feelings. But just that we also consider our own feelings as equally important.  So I'm going to spend less time being a door mat or a punching bag. When we allow others opinions or expectations to dictate our actions then we are "doing" without actually "being".  We also stand the risk of being wishy-washy as we are tossed about from one persons opinion to the next.  I'm going to be more confidant in the things I believe, or feel, or want and express those to the people around me.  I'm also going to focus on the opinions that matter most to me...like my family, my Savior and myself.  I'm going to spend less time seeing how many of my junior high school friends "like" my status. I'm going to speak my mind more. I'm going to worry less about if people are upset or offended by me by trusting that they will tell me when they are. And if they decide to gossip about me or harbor grudges that's on them. When someone brings up something they think I could do better or differently I'm not going to immediately cave.  I will listen to their opinion and then decide either A) yes, they are right and I need to change or B) I'm going to stand strong in my opinion on this. I'm going to be more realistic about what is going on in my life. I'm going to allow myself to be happy when I feel happy and sad when I feel sad. And I'm going to have faith that the people who matter will love me anyway.

Goal #2)  Care less about what other people are doing. Well this sounds like a jerk move! But what I mean by this is that I'm going to do less comparing and competing.  Isn't there a saying like unhappiness comes from counting others people's blessings more than your own.  If not, there should be on account of it would really help the point I'm trying to make! How will I make this a measurable goal? I'm going to spend less time on social media. I'm going to uninstall apps that don't make happy.  I'm going to be more genuinely happy for others successes by realizing that they don't make mine less.  I'm going to realize that we usually aren't seeing the whole picture and that people all have struggles. If people do something that hurts me I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt that it was an accident. I'm going to spend less time being upset by other people. I'm going to forgive and let things go faster.  I'm going to engage less in unhealthy competition. I say unhealthy competition because we all need a little competition in our lives to move us forward but I've let it get out of control.  Don't worry, I'll still be doing fitbit challenges, but when someone tries to compete about money, kids, houses, who's busier, etc. I'm not going to engage. I'm going to realize more that people don't really care all that much about what I'm doing either.  So I can spend more time enjoying my kids school performance and less time getting the perfect picture for instagram.  Bam! I just reclaimed like 10 minutes of my life every day!

Goal #3) Do less. Um, isn't this the exact opposite of setting a goal? Probably.  But I've been doing a lot of things that just really aren't that important.  I go full speed and fill up every part of my day until I get overly tired and crash and burn.  This year I'm going to try and take small breaks along the way so that I can stay more even.  I'm going to say no more often. (That should be easy, right? Since I'm caring less about what other people think of me) I'm going to realize I can't be all things to all people and that I have to prioritize what I'm doing.  I understand that where I spend my time is effecting who I become.  Do I spend it with my kids? Do I spend it doing mundane chores? Do I spend it on facebook? I understand that I still have to do things I don't want to do but I've got to find a healthier balance by sprinkling in some things I do want to do.  I have to clean my house but I doesn't have to be immaculate.  I have to feed my family but I'm not a failure if we have to have chicken nuggets one night.  I have to exercise but it's okay if I'm not running marathons. I'm not going to feel guilty if I do something fun before all of my chores are done.  Some days I'm going to nail my entire to-do list and some days I'm going to binge watch old episodes of West Wing and I'm an equally awesome person on both. I'm going to let people know my limits more. Oh, and I also might take a nap sometime.  Yeah, that would be sweet.

Goal #4) See goal #3 and stop adding more goals to the list.

Do I still need/want to lose weight? Sure! Do I still have a goodreads goal? Yep! But this year I'm going to focus more on what I am ("a super girl working on her degree") and less time worrying if I'm doing enough. The journey to becoming a better person starts with believing you are already a good and worthwhile person.  That's a step I've been missing in the past.  Becoming a stronger, healthier person is going to feel uncomfortable at times.  I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to fail. I'm going to accidentally step on others toes and misspeak. It's not going to look perfect or pinterest worthy. But I'm doing it anyway.  By doing less of the things that are holding me back I'm going to move forward.  By spending less time on things that make me ultimately unhappy I'm going to have more time to look for joy, love and peace.  If you need someone to remind you that you are a good and worthy person too I'm here for you! Happy New Year!

Emeline- A Birth Story

Maybe it's because I can't believe I have a ten year old or maybe it's because we have a 1 week old newborn but I've been reflecting on my kids' birth stories a lot this week. I realized that while I've written their stories down privately I've never really written them down for others. So for their birthdays this year I'm going to try and record them here.

I feel like I've told Emeline's birth story millions of times but then I'm always surprised by close friends and family who have never heard it. So I've decided after a decade I'm finally ready to write it all down :)

It's not that I don't like telling it but there are a few reasons that make me pause.  1) It was a very stressful night but also one of my most sacred. I regard a lot of the story a miracle but I know not everyone believes in those. 2) I hate when people tell newly pregnant ladies their "horror" stories and 3) because I know I have some friends who have not had happy endings to their stories like these and I love them and don't want to cause them pain.

Sometimes I feel like Emmy's story has become a kind of urban legend in my small town. People will often ask me to tell it in groups. Medical staff that were present use it to freak out new nurses when we go in for Emmy's annual check ups.  I will still to this day have firefighters, paramedics, and nurses that I don't recognize come up to me and say that they were there the morning Emmy was born and that they still remember everything.  Every time we have to see a new specialist and they read her medical records they always say "this has to be a typo". But it isn't! So here it is...

We moved to our little town when I was about 7 months pregnant with Emmy.   Since I was switching obstetricians so late in the game my new doctor decided to do a new set of ultrasounds.  In those ultrasounds Emmy was not moving, had a low heart rate and hadn't grown as much as she should have by then.  At that point I was labeled high risk and had to start weekly non-stress tests where they have you drink some cold water and track the baby's movements. After a few weeks of failing the NSTs and Emmy not moving or growing they decided there was a problem with Emeline's umbilical cord and it would be best to induce labor and get her here.

So on Aug. 2nd I went to the hospital to have our first little girl.  After about 19 hours and a couple rounds of pitocin I was stalled out at about a 7.  I finally decided to go ahead and get an epidural at about 2:00am on Aug 3rd.  By 2:30 I was ready to push and Emeline was born at 3:03.

Emeline was pretty purple and the doctor could not get her to breathe. After two minutes of trying to get her to breathe the doctor tried to use an oxygen bag on her but there was something blocking the air from getting to Emmy's lungs.  At this point she lost her heartbeat also and a code blue was called.  We were lucky to live in a small town because no patients were in the E.R. that night so they sent up two doctors from there to help us.  Our pediatrician was also called and made a 12 minute drive to the hospital in about 4 min. (Something he is very proud of!).  By the time everyone was assembled Emmy had been without oxygen for 15 minutes and had lost her heartbeat once. The E.R. doctor that came to assist started working on placing a chest tube but her little lungs still wouldn't inflate.

The first time I remember looking at the clock was at 3:23.  It had been exactly 20 min. since Emmy was born with still no cry, sound or breath and I remember thinking this was it.  In moments like that your brain goes through a lot of different thoughts at once.  Terror, wishing for miracles, complete blank.  At one point I remember thinking, we'll just get pregnant again and have another baby.  And then you snap to and think "No, I want THIS baby!!!".  I remember wanting to pray for Emeline but I couldn't get words out or remember how to put a prayer together. The hymn "The Lord is my Shepard" popped into my head and I started singing it out loud.  One of the doctor's told the nurse to get me out of the room because I was losing it and so I told them I'd be quiet if they let me stay.  Then suddenly the chest tube worked and they got oxygen into the lungs.

 Unfortunately the pressure blew a hole through the bottom of her right lung but they were able to start doing some breathing for her.  Once this happened they needed to wheel her to another room for more space and I think also because they didn't want Alex and I in the same room if they lost her.  5 minutes later my doctor came in and said that they had lost a heartbeat a second time and that they had tried everything but Emeline wasn't going to make it.  This was when I finally started crying and we quickly called my parents to tell them to come to the hospital so that they could at least meet Emmy.

At 3:33, 30 minutes after Emeline was born my doctor came back in the room and told us that after Emeline's heart failed for the third time they had decided that nothing else could be done and stepped back from Emmy.  She then told us that she wasn't a religious person but that once the doctors stepped back "an unseen presence entered the room and put life into Emeline".  Her heart started beating, she took her first unaided breath and turned pink.

While Emeline was now stable the next question was what the lack of oxygen had done to her body.  The three things they worry most about are the brain, eyes and kidneys at this point. The doctors told us that even though Emmy would probably survive there was a chance that she might be brain dead. In order to stop the brain from receiving further damage they decided to basically put her into a coma using medication.  Before doing that they allowed Alex, me and my parents to see her.

I was still being put back together so to speak so I was the last one to be wheeled into the small closet of a NICU that they have at our little medical center. While I was on my way she peed for the first time which was a hopeful sign for her kidney functions.  When I got to the room there was only one little hand that didn't have something attached to it.  I held it and gave it a little kiss and said that I was her mom and I loved her and then she turned her little head and opened her eyes for the first time!  The nurses got very excited because her eyes opening was another hopeful sign that she could respond to things.

Emeline needed to be transported to a bigger hospital about an hour and a half away but she needed too much equipment to fit into the usual helicopter.  So we had to wait until a small airplane could come up from the other hospital to get her.  We are LDS, so during this wait time Alex called our bishop (which is the ecclesiastical leader for our church group) and he came and helped Alex give me and Emeline priesthood blessings of health and peace.  Our pediatrician, then realizing we were LDS, talked about how one of his sons friends had given them a Book of Mormon and that he'd read part of it before.  He then told us about how he'd been in the room when Emeline started breathing and that he knew it was a miracle. He still tells this story as often as he can.  Pretty much any time we are at the doctor's office for Emmy he'll pull a nurse into the room and say "see this girl, she was born dead and look at her now!"  Each of the other nurses and doctors who had been part of helping Emmy also told us about the experience and how it was the biggest miracle they had witnessed.  With many adding "and I'm not a religious person" :)

The airplane couldn't land at the hospital so Emmy needed to be taken to the airport via ambulance first.  When the airplane was ready about half of the fire department came to the hospital to pick up Emeline and get her to the airport.  There wasn't room for Alex and I to fly with her so Alex and my dad started the drive down to the new hospital. My doctor decided that I had lost a lot of blood and needed to stay one more night in the hospital before I could drive down.

By the time I finally made it down to see Emeline again she was about to be taken off of her ventilator.  Finally, about 48 hours after she was born, I got to hold her for the first time! Over the next two weeks in the NICU she continued to get better and stronger.  She passed test after test and was allowed to come home.  She was still on an oxygen tank and some prescriptions that kept her pretty sleepy but we were out of the hospital at last!

From that point it was just a waiting game to see what parts of the brain would be affected.  But she kept meeting many of her benchmarks.  She was eating well, smiling, responding to sound, etc.  As we continued to meet with an occupational therapist we did start to notice that in gross motor she began to fall behind.  She started to sit up at about 1 year and was almost two when she took her first steps (during a game of charades by the way!).  She had a hard time swallowing and drooled a lot.  This made eating and talking difficult for her too. Around 18 months she started working with a physical therapist and speech therapist.  At 3 years old she started at the developmental preschool in our district so she could have even more access to speech, OT and PT services.

Today Emmy is doing wonderfully!  She has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy. She wears braces (AFO's) on both legs to help with her gait.  She's graduated out of speech but will probably continue with OT and PT the rest of her life.  She is such a hard worker and is always competing against herself to do things better, faster, etc.  Once when she was around 4 years old this little boy at the park kept telling her how slow she was.  So she came over to me and asked me to time her on the ladder to the slide.  She kept doing it over and over until she thought her time was fast enough.  That story always sticks with me because it really illustrates Emmy's approach to life!

I've sometimes been asked by other special needs mamas why I don't talk about it more.  I just want Emmy to be able to tell her own story in the way she wants it told.  I step in when she asks me to and we've talked with friends, or family, or classmates about what cerebral palsy is.  But I don't want Emmy to be defined only by cerebral palsy.  It's a part of who she is but it's not everything.  Just like I'm not just a special needs mom, it's a part of who I am.  And honestly, now that I have 5 kiddos I can see that all of us have special needs.  Some of our needs are easier to see than others but all of us have strengths and weaknesses that we are working on all of the time. 

I am so grateful for all of the things I've learned by being a mom to each of my kids.  Emmy teaches me new lessons daily.  (I have a lot to learn!) Even though I wish I could take away her struggles and I still grapple with feelings of guilt from her birth experience I do have peace that this is the way things are and the way they were supposed to be.  I know that our family has grown and changed so much because of it.  I think sometimes we look back and play the what if game.  And we always assume that had we done things differently maybe it would have turned out better.  But I think we have also acknowledge that maybe they would have turned out worse.  Even though so many things went wrong with Emeline's birth, so many other things went right.  There were ER doctors to spare, our pediatrician could get there quickly because it was the middle of the night, etc.

I'm so grateful for all of the people who were involved in saving Emeline's life.  I can't even count all of the people who have been involved in her healing and growth and learning since then.  We've been blessed with amazing doctors, specialists, nurses, therapists, and teachers who love Emeline and do so much good in her world!  I sometimes read stories about people mistreating others with special needs or articles about "what not to say to mom's of special needs kiddos" etc. And while there have been hard moments where family or friends have not understood Emmy's disability or said something thoughtless there are mostly really happy moments where people just go out of their way to love Emmy or help our family.  I love watching how kind other kids can be. I love getting to meet other parents or people that just give so much time to serve my little girl.

I can't believe it's been 10 years since she was born.  When I think back to that first day, there was no way I could have ever predicted what life would have looked like today!  -For one thing, I thought Emmy was going to be an only child :) I'm so lucky to have such a great kid! She's an amazing big sister for her siblings and she's got a giant spirit!  I hope she has a great birthday. I love you Emeline!

Thanks for reading!

This I Believe Essay

So for book group this month we read "This I Believe". It's a collection of short essays from different people (both famous and common man) that discuss a personal belief that they are the most certain about.  They range from very general philosophies like the meaning of life, to very contained philosophies like be nice to the pizza delivery guy.  It is based on the NPR series of the same name that was hosted by Edward R. Murrow in the 1950's.

As part of book group, the person hosting challenged us to write our own essays and since it's been ages since I did any kind of recreational writing I decided to give it a go.  And since it's been ages since I posted on this blog I decided to post it here! The essay is not supposed to sum up your entire world philosphy in one page, but instead focus on one aspect of life that you really believe to be true. Let me know what you think.  I had so much fun hearing others essays last night...I'd love to hear what you believe too!

I believe there are a lot of things I don’t know.  There are way more things that I don’t know than things that I do know.  I don’t say that to sound ominous or negative in any way.  But I think sometimes it’s hard to admit that there are a lot of things we don’t know, or don’t do well, or don’t understand…so I’m just coming out and saying it at the beginning of this essay… I don’t know a lot of things.

When looked at it in the wrong light this truth can be damaging, depressing, and halt us in our progression.  We can’t know it all so why even try.  But, given a positive place to grow, our admission that we don’t know very much can actually help us change and bloom.

Believing that we don’t know everything can help us be curious and hopeful.  It gives us the desire to pursue knowledge.  It gives us the ability to change our thoughts and our actions.  It helps us listen to other people. It makes us want to add new things to the world, say new things, and participate in life.  It stops us from getting up on soapboxes and saying things we will have to take back.  It keeps us asking "why" instead of just "what".  

Believing that we don’t know everything helps us be less judgmental.  We can understand that there is a lot going on with others that we don’t see. There are many in the world who think they can tell who is happy just by what they write on Facebook.  There are many in the world who think they know who is healthy based on what jean size they wear. There are many in the world who think they can tell if a person is a hard worker based on the size of their paycheck.  When we recognize that there is a lot we don’t know, we can see beyond what people say and focus on what people do.  We can see past fake smiles and light pleasantries and really get to know the people around us.  We can empathize with others worries and trials. We can celebrate their triumphs and be genuinely happy for others. We can have more compassion for our fellow man.

Believing that we don’t know everything helps us be more forgiving.  We realize that often the things people do and say have little to do with us at all.  We can see past people’s cruelty and see their hurt.  We can see past their pessimism and see the loneliness.  We can see past a carelessly made comment and see that people are trying. We can give people the benefit of the doubt.  We can take on less of what isn’t really meant for us.  We can see people as whole people.  Not just one dimensional people who maybe forgot our birthday, broke a promise or said something without thinking.  And we can forgive because we know that they too, don’t know everything. We can forgive unwanted weight loss, parenting, and organizational advice. So someone says weight loss is as simple as “calories in, calories out”, they don’t know everything.  So someone thinks if I hadn’t had an epidural my daughter wouldn’t have learning disorders, they don’t know everything. So that person thinks that since I’m smiling at church I don’t understand what it’s like to be depressed, they don’t know everything. When we realize that none of us know everything, and we stop demanding people to be perfect, it’s easier to forgive because we have less to forgive.

Understanding that we don’t know everything can bring us peace.  It leads us to the further realization that we don’t have to know everything. So much of life is spent trying to be in the know. As I get older I realize more and more that there are a lot of things I don’t want to know and don’t need to know.  I don’t need to know the latest gossip.  I don’t need to know what goes on in the mind of a serial killer.  I don’t need to know about every terrible thing that happens in the world.  Or why my neighbors fight so much, or why people cheat on their spouses, or why someone makes different choices than me.  I can help and serve and love without knowing all of these answers.   I’m not suggesting that we put our heads in the sand, just that we don’t get them caught in a media vice.  

When we admit that we don’t know everything it allows us to focus on the few things that we do know.  It helps us to keep them more sacred and value them more.  It allows for more clarity. It allows for advancement.  It’s because of the not knowing that we take our first steps. 

But more important than my belief that I don’t know everything, is my belief that there is someone who knows everything.  And He loves me and He’s okay that I don’t know everything. He knows all the things that I don’t know and can’t know and choose not to know. He knows why some people say mean things. He knows why people fall in love. He knows why women lose babies. He knows why people can forgive me so many times even when I make such stupid mistakes. He knows why so many people feel unloved. He knows why my daughter has cerebral palsy. He knows why friends move. He knows why people lose jobs when they don’t deserve it. He knows about all the good in the world. He knows why people get sick. He knows why people are unkind to others who are different. He knows why people build walls. He knows why sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed, He knows why ultimately I do anyway.  And someday we’ll have a long talk and he’ll explain it all to me and  I’ll be happy that I didn’t know it all before. Because it’s the not knowing that keeps me walking. It’s the not knowing that keeps me open.  It’s in the not knowing that living occurs.

Sweet and Sour Chicken

Sweet and Sour Chicken

Ingredients:

2-3 chicken breasts, chopped into 1 in. cubes

1 (20 oz) can pineapple chunks in juice

1 cup baby cut carrots, cut in half

½ sweet onion, chopped (about ½ cup)

1 ½ tsp. minced garlic (about 3 cloves)

1 tsp. gingerroot ( peeled and minced)

½ cup soy sauce

½ cup packed brown sugar

¼ cup cornstarch

¼ cup water

3 T. ketchup

2 bell peppers (any color) cut into 1-in pieces

Freezer meal prep:

Chop chicken into 1 in. cubes and place in the bottom of a gallon sized freezer bag.  Add carrots, onion, garlic and ginger to the bag with the chicken.

Drain pineapple, reserving juice. Mix juice, soy sauce, brown sugar, ketchup, water and cornstarch together. Pour over chicken.

Place pineapple chunks and bell peppers in a quart sized freezer bag.  Place chicken bag and pineapple bag in another gallon sized freezer bag.  Label and freeze.

Cooking Instructions:

Place contents of chicken bag in a large slow cooker and cook on low 7 to 9 hours or until chicken is cooked through. 

During the last 30 minutes of cooking, add pineapple and bell peppers. Turn heat to high and cook until sauce is thickened and bell peppers are tender. Serve over rice.

10K Running for Beginners Plus my Training Playlist!

So I want to post my 10K music recommendations for beginners but first I want to give a little pep talk!

Recently I went to dinner after running my first ever 10K. During dinner two of the waitresses found out I had run a race and talked to me about it.  After we talked for a few minutes one of the ladies then said she would never be able to run a race. This was a feeling I understood well.  I am not small and I am not fast and a year ago I would have said the same thing.  I told her that I had been running for 9 months and still had to take walking breaks frequently. After 9 months I have only worked my way up to a 13 min/mile pace (which most others could do walking). She seemed pretty surprised to find out that I hadn't actually "run" the entire time. She then shared that she feels embarrassed to start exercising because of what other people will think and genuinely asked if I had ever felt that way in front of others.  And in the beginning I had. I told her I would try and find places that no one would see me -which is hard in a small town. I tried doing a lot of my runs early in the morning so I could avoid other people -which doesn't work, by the way, because that is when the really die hard runners are out :) I tried wearing baggy clothes so that you couldn't really see my body shape but they made exercising even harder. And talking with a complete stranger about it really made me stop and think about how many people out there probably feel the same way when they don't need to.

In college I was never thin but I was sporty.  I felt confident to join in sporting events or just play around.  After I had my youngest (who are twins) I was up from a size 10 to a size 18. It is really hard to be the largest person at the gym, trust me I know, but it's better than not being at the gym. And it might feel embarrassing to train for months and be passed up by people who just barely started running but the great part about running is competing with yourself.  You can stop worrying about size and pounds and other people and just work toward going faster or farther or just feeling better. And I totally know how embarrassing it can feel the first time you try a new exercise (seriously you should see me doing Insanity...you would burn 1,000 calories just laughing)but think of how good it will feel when you master it! Just get out there and try it and don't worry if you are slow, or uncoordinated, or overweight!  When I first started running I was embarrassed to post my times on Runkeeper but after talking to a couple of my friends I decided to post it.  Not to get attention or brag but just to say "look, I'm short and plus sized and slow but I'm out there trying and you can do it too!" To most people running a 10K in 1:19 might not be a huge accomplishment but the first time I tried it it took me almost 2 hours.  That's progress that anyone could make it and it feels so great! So if you are thinking about getting in shape but are worried about what others will think, stop worrying! Just think about how you will feel! I feel so excited and happy when I hear about a new friend picking up running or trying a new workout class. And it's was so fun to talk with real runners about my training.  They get so excited and will welcome you with open arms no matter how slow you are. Because exercising makes people happy and they want you to be happy too! So now I'm paying it forward...if you need a cheerleader let me know! I'm there for you!

Also, my last little thought is to just be happy where you are.  That doesn't mean stop trying to improve but just take time to celebrate little victories!  My husband and I laughed recently when we found one of my old journals. I signed out of almost every teenage journal entry with some discouraging comment about my weight followed by a commitment of "tomorrow I'm cabbage soupin' it".  Anyone else remember the cabbage soup diet? It was one of many that my teenage friends and I tried to lose weight.  Basically you eat nothing but cabbage soaked in tomato juice for a week and then every Wednesday you get to eat a banana. Healthy! Oh how I wish I could go back and tell my cute little teenage self to stop being so crazy about my weight and just enjoy size 8 while it lasted!  But who knows what the future holds.  Right now seems like the hardest time in my life so far.  But I'm sure in a few years I'll be wishing I could come back and tell my 30 something self to just enjoy it while it lasts. My point is this, don't keep waiting until tomorrow to make a change and don't think your change has to be all encompassing.  Start with something little you can do a little better and do it.  And celebrate it! Then when you reach your goal set a new one right away! Then celebrate some more. Then share what you are doing because it motivates me and I love to hear it! You don't have to be a fitness instructor or lose 100 lbs. in order to motivate and encourage other people.  There will always be people who are running further and faster but guess what, at the end of the race everyone got a medal and a massage and a free Jamba juice no matter how far they ran! And it was a big awesome party. And a year ago I missed it because I was too embarrassed to try.  Next year I want to go with a big group of friends! Free Jamba juice! Who is with me?

10K Song List for beginners (About 1 hr. 30 min.)
Pump It -The Black Eyed Peas
Set Fire to the Rain- Adele
Behind These Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson
Magic -B.o.B (featuring Rivers Cuomo)
My Song Know What You Did in the Dark- Fall out Boy
The Anthem (clean)- good Charlotte
Girls Chase Boys- Ingrid Michaelson
Good Time- Owl City
Stronger- Kelly Clarkson
Dance, Dance- Fallout Boy
This is How a Heart Breaks- Rob Thomas
Roar- Katy Perry
The Monster (clean)- Eminem
I Knew You Were Trouble- Taylor Swift
Fighter- Christina Aguilera
People Like Us- Kelly Clarkson
On Top of the World- Imagine Dragons
We Used to be Friends- The Dandy Warhols (Veronica Mars, anyone?)
Best Day Of My Life- American Authors
Hall of Fame- The Script (featuring will.i.am)
50 Ways to Say Goodbye- Train
Holding Out for A Hero-Bonnie Tyler
Elevation-U2

Charity meets the Internet

I've debated writing this blog post because it is very personal to me. Its also a little out of the norm for a recipe/homemaking blog. However, I feel like it's time for me to say something. I have two main intentions with this post. 1) to explain some of my beliefs and 2) to do so in a loving way that invites open discussion.

For the last several months during my personal study I've been trying to narrow down some thoughts about avoiding contention and self righteousness. I am a person who likes to debate. Avoiding contention and being slow to anger are two things I struggle with on pretty much a daily basis. Studying out HOW contention and anger can have less of an influence in my life is the inspiration for this post. Because I am still learning, I would really appreciate your comments or feedback after reading.

In today's internet connected world you don't have to go very far to find contention. You can access the inner thinkings of many self righteous bloggers, journalists, and politicians at the click of a button. Contention is something that has existed, in my belief, since before the world began. But I also believe it will not always exist. Most who know me and/or read this blog know that I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. As such, I believe that Jesus Christ has been to this earth before, has atoned for our sins and will return one day to judge and bless our eternal futures. While he was not recognized as the Savior by everyone during his first mortal ministry, he will be during his second. The Book of Mormon is comprised of several smaller books (much like the composition of the Bible). In the book of Mosiah, Chapter 27,verse 31 it reads "Yea, every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess before him. Yea, even at the last day, when all men shall stand to be judged of him, then shall they confess that he is God". The knowledge of what is to come helps me in my personal life: 1) It tells me that at some point the arguing and contending over doctrines, and religions, and beliefs will be over. 2) It reminds me that only God has the ability to righteously judge anyone and 3) It reminds me that I must do my part NOW in avoiding contention and unjustly judging those around me.

If you are LDS like me, or maybe even if you aren't, your news feed has probably been full or articles about women and the priesthood or Mormons' opinions about gay marriage or defending traditional families, etc. And it's honestly getting to the point that if I weren't LDS then I would think that the only things Mormons talked about were gender equality and gay marriage. Not that these topics aren't important things to discuss, but there are so many of our fundamental beliefs that we should be focused on first. Things like we believe in Christ, we believe in doing good to all men, families can be forever, we believe in modern day revelation and prophets, etc. (See LDS Articles ofFaith 1-13) 

Why aren't we talking about these things? If people were to ask me to explain my religion these are things I would start with...not my opinions about if I should have the priesthood or not. Yet on blog after blog about "Mormon beliefs" these are the only things being talked about. When we argue about these issues, no matter what side we are on, we are not focusing on the core truths that we need to be focused on. The Gospel is not just about priesthood or marriage. The Gospel is about returning to live with our father in heaven. Yes priesthood and marriage are important parts of the Gospel but our focus should be on the Savior and our path home.

Many defend their focus on these things by claiming they are threats to the family and to our path home. However, when we stop to think about the people who have the most ability to harm our families we realize it is ourselves! Our time would be much better spent trying to eliminate our own behaviors that pose a threat to our family. Am I being unloving? Am I being contentious? Am I spending more time talking about what I believe on social media than I am living what I believe? Am I angry? Am I letting feelings of betrayal effect how I treat my family? Being an unbalanced or unloving parent can cause much more harm to my family than gay marriage or gender inequality can. In Matthew we read about some symptoms leading up to the last days. Chapter 24 verse 12 says “And iniquity shall abound and the love of men will wax cold”. One of the ways that we can allow our love to wax cold is by giving into worry, fear and anger. Many people, in the pursuit of defending the truth have allowed themselves to become angry with their brothers and sisters who have different opinions. In the beginning of Alma (another book from The Book of Mormon) similar disagreements begin to arise within the church. At first members of the church ignore the persecution coming from others. When that doesn't seem to work some begin to take a stand. Sadly however, in verse 22 we read that some of the members feel proud in their righteousness and begin to “contend warmly” with those who oppose them. And that is how our love waxes cold. As we warm out heart to contention we place aside our charity. As anger grows, love decreases.

So how do we take a stand without "contending warmly" with those around us. And the answer is humility. What is our intent? Do we want to spread anger or love? Do we want to shame or to inspire? Marvin J. Ashton, in speaking about contention, offers up some other justifications we might make for engaging in a fight. “When one considers the bad feeling and the unpleasantness caused by contention, it is well to ask, 'Why do I participate?' If we are really honest with ourselves, our answers may be something like: 'When I argue and am disagreeable, I do not have to change myself. It gives me a chance to get even.' 'I am unhappy and I want others to be miserable too.' 'I can feel self-righteous. In this way I get my ego built up.' 'I don’t want others to forget how much I know!' Whatever the real reason, it is important to recognize that we choose our behavior. At the root of this issue is the age-old problem of pride. 'Only by pride cometh contention.'”

Christ discusses self righteousness in the parable of the pharisee and the publican. Luke 18:9-14 says, “And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others: Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.” Have we seen others use social media in order to exalt themselves? Blogs dedicated to thanking God that they are not as bad as other men? Elder Oaks says “Those who engage in self-congratulation over a supposed strength have lost the protection of humility and are vulnerable to Satan’s using that strength to produce their downfall. In contrast, if we are humble and teachable, hearkening to the commandments of God, the counsel of his leaders, and the promptings of his Spirit, we can be guided in how to use our spiritual gifts, our accomplishments, and all of our other strengths for righteousness. And we can be guided in how to avoid Satan’s efforts to use our strengths to cause our downfall.”

Many times the way we say something is just as important as what we say. This is why Christ was such an effective teacher. There are just as many lessons to be learned from HOW Christ says things as there are from WHAT he says. And the reason Christ knew how to do things is because he had a perfect knowledge of WHY he was doing what he did. I feel like bloggers today spend so much time deciding what they are going to say they spend very little time on how to say it and even less time on why they are saying it. This goes back to intentions. Christ's intentions were clear. He taught the people because he loved them. In Matthew 22 he teaches that the first and second commandments are about love. The first and great commandment to love our Father in Heaven and the second to love our neighbor as ourselves. So, if as members of the church our goal is to become more like the Savior, then it seems that our intent should be to love those with whom we associate. That includes being loving in our blog posts. Christ didn't use shame, guilt, or sarcasm to convert those around him and when we use those things in our everyday speaking we are not being like Christ. So are we writing about the priesthood and gay marriage because we have a true belief that we want to share with others or are we writing to put people in their place? Is our intent to build and help or is to tear down? Are we trying to put ourselves on a pedestal by only discussing the things we think we are doing right while ignoring our own shortcomings? Can you imagine a world where everyone is worried more about their own shortcomings than about each others? The truth really is that you can only change yourself. So the beginning of any significant change in the world starts with people loving and changing themselves, not with ranting and raving against others on the internet.

Matthew 7: 3-5 says "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye. Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.” President Monson told a great story about a woman who judges her neighbor for having dirty laundry on the line until one day she realizes that she's viewing the laundry through her own dirty window. I have been guilty of this in my own life so many times. However, being judgmental and self righteous doesn't just hurt the other person, it hurts ourselves. Being overly preoccupied with the mote in someone else's eye makes us suffer because we are allowing the beam to remain in our eye for longer than it needs to.

One of the stories that we read about in the Book of Mormon is the vision of the Tree of Life. For those unfamiliar with this story you can read it on LDS.org by clicking here. 

There are two main groups in this vision: a large group in the great and spacious building and a smaller group making their way to the tree of life. The large group represents the world while the small group represents the followers of Christ trying to make their way to God. Most of us identify ourselves as being in the small group making our way toward the tree. So when someone disagrees with us about something we tend to get self righteous and assume that they are in the great and spacious building pointing and mocking us for being different. And we use this analogy to justify ourselves in getting upset with them or defensive. But there is a big problem with that. In the vision of the tree of life, those who make it to the tree are the ones who don't get upset or defensive. They instead love those around them and are desirous that all will come and partake of the fruit with them. They don't point, or shame, or write scathing blog posts about the people in the great and spacious building. They enjoy the fruit for themselves and then lovingly offer to share it. Their focus is always on the fruit. So my point is that no matter what side of an issue you are on, if you find yourself spending a lot of your day pointing at others or feeling upset inside, it could be that you have put yourself in the great and spacious building by your actions. Don't let yourself get angry because of what other people do. Don't let yourself get so preoccupied fighting every fight that is thrown your way that you stop focusing on the fruit of the Gospel. Don't let your life get so clogged up with articles and opinion columns about “what makes a good Christian” that you forget to read the Bible, or pray, or act like a Christian. Focus on the source, the fruit, the good. In order to share the fruit you have to stay close to the tree.

We cannot fight others into salvation. Each of us has been given the power to choose for ourselves. When we require others to choose the same things as we do in order to participate in our lives we are not allowing them the free agency they have a right to. Obviously, if there is abuse or dangerous behavior involved we must protect and distance ourselves. But in matters of differing opinions I truly feel we must forgive and we must love everyone. I've had family members leave the church. I still love them. I've had friends who hate the church. I still love them. I've had times where I doubted and almost gave up. Luckily I had others who loved me enough to lift me up. Yes, There are times in our lives when we have to stand up for our beliefs. There are times when as a parent, or a church leader, or a friend we will have to correct someone who has gone astray. As a member of the church we believe our leaders are called of God and with His help can lovingly do this. Doctrine and Covenants 121:43 tells us how this is done. “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy”. We are commanded to love our enemy as well as our friend. The easiest way to do this is not to allow people to become our enemy in the first place. Often times we allow ourselves to believe that because someone disagrees with us they are our enemy, which is not the case. Christ had true enemies. People who betrayed him to death. People who actively sought out and succeeded in killing him. In comparison our “enemies” are usually born out of miscommunication, differing backgrounds, ignorance, or extremism. When compared with the trials of our Savior, the argument of “they were meaner to me on the internet” hardly seems a valid excuse for withholding forgiveness or perpetuating contention. If Christ can forgive others for killing him, surely I can love someone who is in a different political party than I am, or has a different sexual orientation than I do, or someone who disagreed with me in Sunday School.

In a class I am taking on the atonement, the teacher recently pointed out that when we try to facilitate someone else's salvation we can actually be putting ourselves between them and the Savior. We try so hard to connect them with the savior that we actually stand between the two trying to get them to meet. But when we put ourselves in between our loved ones and the Savior it can have unintended consequences. Instead of being a bridge, we become a wall. When we argue with our neighbor we become a wall. When we use derogatory names we become a wall. When we turn our backs on our family or friends because they choose a different lifestyle than us we become a wall. When we invite people to leave the church, such as saying “why don't you just go find a different religion” or “why do you even stay” we become a wall. In the end, not only will we have to account for the positions we took, we will also have to account for how we treated those who disagreed with us. I wonder will Heavenly Father care more about our views on homosexuality or will he care more about how we treated our gay child, sibling, or friend. Probably both. We can disagree and still love, because of Christ.

Having faith in Christ means having faith that he will be judge and savior for the world (including our loved ones). Having faith that Christ will do these things means having faith that we don't have to. And if we free ourselves from needing to judge and save others, that leaves plenty of time to love them. As we allow ourselves to feel more love for others, we will allow ourselves to feel more love for ourselves, which will allow us to feel more joy. And as we feel more joy and love, guess what, others will naturally be more open to hear what we have to share! The Gospel message!

Because Christ has atoned for our sins he is also our advocate to the Father. He is allowed to judge us because he knows us perfectly. He knows our background, our baggage, our heart and mind. He knows our fears, and pains, and desires. He knows all of the intricacies that make us individuals and influence our choices. While others see only our actions he can see our intentions. And because of this he has asked us not to judge one another. The parable of the wheat and the tares demonstrates this well. Only God knows which are wheat and which are tares. And he allows them the entire season before he reaps them. To the untrained eye a small wheat may appear to be a tare and could be weeded out before it was given a chance to grow. Some tares might appear strong and hearty but when consumed will disappoint. When we judge others with our untrained eyes we run the risk of damaging the entire crop. When we begin to think we can distinguish between the wheat and the tares we place our faith in ourselves more than in our Heavenly Father. Consider the conversion of Paul or Alma the Younger. They antagonized the church for many years before becoming two of the greatest missionaries in the scriptures. What if instead of loving his sons, Mosiah had just told them to go join another church? I'm sure many believed them to be tares in the beginning but look at the fruits they eventually brought forth. The only righteous judgments are those we make for ourselves. The only person we can judge as a wheat or tare is ourselves. Do our words and actions nourish like wheat or do they spread the weeds of contention?

Satan will try to use our pride to lift us out of a moderate life and into the extremes. For some it may be to the extreme that nothing matters and that a loving Heavenly Father wouldn't require any action from his children. For others it may be to the extreme of thinking everything matters and that Heavenly Father would require complete conformity in all things (such as the Pharisees). My belief is that God's plan for us is a plan of moderation (there are a few ordinances and practices that he requires exactness in and many other practices that are more flexible and moving and changing). Each of us will have to decide for ourselves what Heavenly Father requires of us. As a member of the church I believe in Prophets and leaders that can help us navigate these questions. I also believe in continuing personal revelation which is the light that can lead each of us out of the darkness. I believe in scriptures, where we can read about those who have gone through similar trials that we now face. When we know what God expects from us and actively strive to do those things, we will have peace in our lives. As we strive for peace in our lives the Spirit can be with us and more peace can be added to us. As we turn away from extreme anger we can begin to feel the ultimate power of love and healing in our life.

Let me finally end by quoting the 13^th chapter of Corinthians. Yes the entire thing. It is that good. For me it is the summation of the Gospel.

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

We are all of us imperfect. We all know only in part. We don't need to criticize and demean others because they are imperfect. We don't need to speak childishly about one another. It doesn't matter our credentials, our callings, how many followers our blog has. If we have not charity we have nothing. Paul reminds us that even though the day will come when “every knee shall bow” we still live in the now. And even though contention may abound, we also know that faith, hope and charity live in the now. Do our actions and words promote faith? Do they give others hope? As a member of the church I am ever trying to live by this council. I know that I have hurt others. I know that I've written snarky blog posts. I know that I have overlooked needs, miscommunicated, and fallen short of being charitable. But it is something that I'm working on. I hope that others on the internet will join me in first seeking to have charity. It is the only thing that will never fail. It is the only thing that will convert. Before you write that blog post, before you copy that link, before you leave that comment, ask yourself, am I showing charity? Because no matter how smart, or funny, or true, or well written it is, if it has not charity, it is nothing.

Read How a Mom Doesn't Destroy Common Core (Warning: It takes me more than 3 minutes)

Okay, "Uncle, uncle"! Please everyone stop with the common core posts! I can't take anymore. I've been trying so hard to hold my peace and not write a super long blog post about this but it's starting to bubble over and I can't stop typing...and, oh no...here it comes...

As many of my friends know, I was a teacher in a former life before having the 4 cutest little girls ever!  So as a former teacher, and now as a parent, I try to keep up with whats happening in our schools. I've been doing my best to follow common core, listen to its supporters and opponents, talk with teachers, check out how it's being implemented in my child's school, etc. I assumed that most other parents would be doing the same things. Unfortunately, it seems many don't have time because instead they are too busy writing and reading never-ending rants of other parents who are supposedly "destroying" common core in 4 min. (I've also enjoyed how it has kind of become an internet game now, similar to "name that tune".  I can destroy common core in 3 min.  Well I can do it in 2. Okay then Lou, destroy that common core!) I mean don't get me wrong, I'm all for shorter rants but the fact of the matter is I've yet to see a video that actually "destroyed" anything but my belief that most adults have a working knowledge of how their child's education system actually works.

Let me start by explaining that a core standard (be it a standard written under no child left behind or under common core) is simply a statement of WHAT should be taught, it does not dictate HOW it should be taught.  And while they are sectioned into grade levels common core doesn't even specify when in the year it should be taught.  Common core is not a curriculum.  Common core is not the one creating the homework problems you see on Facebook.  Common core is a set of standards that set the bar for whatever curriculum a state, district or school chooses.  So basically it says, choose whatever texts you want but at the end of the year here is a list of what your child should know.  So standards are important.  I'm not here to argue with people about if those standards should be decided locally or federally or what...but I just want people to understand what a standard is and why knowing the standards for you child's grade level is helpful and important!  To find out what the actual standards are please visit http://www.corestandards.org/  You might be surprised to find that the standards have nothing to do with any of the memes you've seen on facebook.  In fact, hopefully you'll read them and say "I remember learning that!".

So, what is a curriculum you ask? Well, in the United States there are numerous companies which sell curriculum plans for districts to use.  When I did my student teaching they used Investigations. When I taught we used Saxon.  Currently my daughter's school uses Everyday Math.  Just to name a few! So when you see a homework assignment on Facebook labeled "Common Core", it's really Investigations, or Everyday Math or something like that. So if you are unhappy with your child's math program then the first step is to find out what math curriculum your school district has selected.  This would be true for your child's reading program also.  Since these curriculums are not chosen federally, if you see a bizarre homework assignment from someone in Florida and you currently live in North Dakota, chances are your child isn't even participating in the same curriculum. So before you freak out and send out a spam email to everyone you know, check out what curriculum your child is using.

Right now, you probably want to argue that the standardized testing associated with common core is what is driving these curriculum programs to write all these crazy homework pages that you've never learned before.  However, most of these programs existed long before common core was in place.  Some may even pre-date no child left behind. Also keep in mind that they are not all created equal. Do some research and see what you think.  Even in my few years of teaching I could easily determine my preference for Saxon over Invesigations. Do some research. What do you like, what don't you like? What is working, what isn't?

Okay, so you've figured out what curriculum your child school is using but you are still unhappy with the work.  What's the next step to making a change? (Hint: it's not writing an angry Facebook post).  You need to find out who chose the curriculum, how long they've been using the curriculum, who chooses the textbooks, and how to get involved.  Often a district will be given suggested texts or curriculum programs from the state and a district commitee will then decide what they are going to use.  In my town they have a curriculum committee and a textbook committee. These boards are often comprised of parents, community representatives, teachers, principals, and district representatives. Find out when open school board meetings are, when they are planning to discuss curriculums, and what committees have openings.  You can find out this info by visiting your districts website. If you still have more questions go visit the district offices and they will help you.  I know it sounds like a lot of work...but you cared enough to discuss it on facebook...the next step is to get involved.

Now, just as not all curriculums are created equal, we also have to remember that the same is true of parents and teachers. Each of us is wired differently.  Some people can see a problem in many different forms and solve it but most of us are going to pick and choose which method works the best for us.  I get that, and as the parent of a special needs daughter, I understand the frustration of having to teach our children new ways of doing something when they already had to fight to find one way that works.  But I do know that being able to come to a solution or tackle a problem in a variety of ways is important for critical thinking.  The more ways we teach our students to look at a problem the better chance they have of understanding the reasons behind the formula and/or finding the way that clicks for them.  In some real life situations simplicity will be valued but in many scientific or technical jobs memorization of formulas is not enough.  My husband works in a job where it is critical for all involved to understand the WHY of the processes they complete just as much as understanding the HOW. So, a complete education becomes a balance then of learning the formulas and also the process behind the formula.

However, teaching a variety of methods requires a higher undestanding on the part of the teacher, or parent, or tutor.  I'm not saying this is an "always" true statement but is it possible that some of the frustration with the "new" math (which isn't really all that "new" anymore) is actually rooted in the parent or teacher not understanding the math as deeply as they need to? Please don't get me wrong my children and I have had wonderful teachers who completely know their stuff inside and out! However,  I also have vivid memories from when I was obtaining my degree of a group of grown women crying in my "teaching mathematics" course because they didn't know HOW to multiply fractions, let alone teach it.  They were angry at the teacher when she told them that her course was to instruct them how to teach math not how to do it.  You see my university, as well as myself, was under the assumption that someone who had entered a four year university had a 4th grade knowledge of math. I also remember my first day of student teaching.  I watched my mentor try for half an hour to teach the class a problem from Investigations math and without getting the right answer.  I knew in 2 min. what she was doing wrong but I was too nervous to speak up.  Finally she asked me if I knew what to do and when I got it right she said "Perfect! You can teach for the rest of the time you're here". And from then on, I kid you not, she went to the teachers lounge and took a nap every day while I taught math.  I'm really not trying to get into a teacher bashing session here but I have to admit that both of these stories rattle around in my little brain often.  And then I add that to the hundreds of other parents complaining on Facebook that they don't understand how to use a number line (and that they aren't embarrased to admit that in front of hundreds of people). So am I really that bad of a person when I begin to think maybe it's more of a comment on the educational system of the 80s and 90s than it is about common core. Really, we can't figure out number lines?

So now lets discuss the many, many teachers who are amazing and know their stuff.  They work hard to help our children succeed.  They spend countless hours coming up with lesson plans, getting supplies collected and organized, grading our children's papers, and preparing our kids for the next level.  We've also been hearing from an increased number of teachers that they are spending a significant amount of their time reteaching their students information that they should have been learning in earlier grades.  Many people attribute this to poorly written standards.  However if you look back over the last 20 years how many times have the standards and tests changed? Is it possible that it's actually the swinging pendulum of educational standards that is making life harder for our teachers and not the standards themselves?  When the target keeps changing how can we expect teachers, or parents, or children to hit it?  I've had several friends ask me how I can't get worked up about what my child is going to have to know in high school or how common core will affect my special needs daughter and my answer is usually that the whole system will probably be revamped in the 8 years before my kids even get to high school. In my opinion the biggest threat to my child's education isn't the common core standards, it is the fact that the standards will never be constant.  It's the fact that every time a different political party gets a majority they will roll out a new program and millions of people will love it or hate simply based on if their "guy" is in charge.  That people will continue to post angry Facebook posts about educational systems they haven't researched for five minutes.  We have got to value and listen to our teachers.  They are the ones in the trenches.  We've got to find out what they need, what they like, what's important and how we can get involved.

So in conclusion, I get that people are unhappy with the way public schools are heading. I hear you loud and clear.  I have my concerns too.  Hopefully after reading this you can at least realize that your problems may be with your child's curriculum instead of common core.  Identifying the problem is half the battle.  I've yet to see one article about common core that actually addresses a specific standard from common core. But whatever your concern, you are left with a choice.  You can A) write a sarcastic Facebook post and hope it goes viral or B) you can identify the problems, do your own research, get involved, and actually be a part of a solution.

Well, if you've made it this far through this super long post...kudos.  I would love to hear your thoughts on the issue. You may be nodding in agreement or you may be fuming mad. I'm hoping we can all still be friends but if you must "destroy" me in a Youtube video I only ask that you do it in less than three minutes.