Sunday, June 22, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
Read How a Mom Doesn't Destroy Common Core (Warning: It takes me more than 3 minutes)
Okay, "Uncle, uncle"! Please everyone stop with the common core posts! I can't take anymore. I've been trying so hard to hold my peace and not write a super long blog post about this but it's starting to bubble over and I can't stop typing...and, oh no...here it comes...
As many of my friends know, I was a teacher in a former life before having the 4 cutest little girls ever! So as a former teacher, and now as a parent, I try to keep up with whats happening in our schools. I've been doing my best to follow common core, listen to its supporters and opponents, talk with teachers, check out how it's being implemented in my child's school, etc. I assumed that most other parents would be doing the same things. Unfortunately, it seems many don't have time because instead they are too busy writing and reading never-ending rants of other parents who are supposedly "destroying" common core in 4 min. (I've also enjoyed how it has kind of become an internet game now, similar to "name that tune". I can destroy common core in 3 min. Well I can do it in 2. Okay then Lou, destroy that common core!) I mean don't get me wrong, I'm all for shorter rants but the fact of the matter is I've yet to see a video that actually "destroyed" anything but my belief that most adults have a working knowledge of how their child's education system actually works.
Let me start by explaining that a core standard (be it a standard written under no child left behind or under common core) is simply a statement of WHAT should be taught, it does not dictate HOW it should be taught. And while they are sectioned into grade levels common core doesn't even specify when in the year it should be taught. Common core is not a curriculum. Common core is not the one creating the homework problems you see on Facebook. Common core is a set of standards that set the bar for whatever curriculum a state, district or school chooses. So basically it says, choose whatever texts you want but at the end of the year here is a list of what your child should know. So standards are important. I'm not here to argue with people about if those standards should be decided locally or federally or what...but I just want people to understand what a standard is and why knowing the standards for you child's grade level is helpful and important! To find out what the actual standards are please visit http://www.corestandards.org/ You might be surprised to find that the standards have nothing to do with any of the memes you've seen on facebook. In fact, hopefully you'll read them and say "I remember learning that!".
So, what is a curriculum you ask? Well, in the United States there are numerous companies which sell curriculum plans for districts to use. When I did my student teaching they used Investigations. When I taught we used Saxon. Currently my daughter's school uses Everyday Math. Just to name a few! So when you see a homework assignment on Facebook labeled "Common Core", it's really Investigations, or Everyday Math or something like that. So if you are unhappy with your child's math program then the first step is to find out what math curriculum your school district has selected. This would be true for your child's reading program also. Since these curriculums are not chosen federally, if you see a bizarre homework assignment from someone in Florida and you currently live in North Dakota, chances are your child isn't even participating in the same curriculum. So before you freak out and send out a spam email to everyone you know, check out what curriculum your child is using.
Right now, you probably want to argue that the standardized testing associated with common core is what is driving these curriculum programs to write all these crazy homework pages that you've never learned before. However, most of these programs existed long before common core was in place. Some may even pre-date no child left behind. Also keep in mind that they are not all created equal. Do some research and see what you think. Even in my few years of teaching I could easily determine my preference for Saxon over Invesigations. Do some research. What do you like, what don't you like? What is working, what isn't?
Okay, so you've figured out what curriculum your child school is using but you are still unhappy with the work. What's the next step to making a change? (Hint: it's not writing an angry Facebook post). You need to find out who chose the curriculum, how long they've been using the curriculum, who chooses the textbooks, and how to get involved. Often a district will be given suggested texts or curriculum programs from the state and a district commitee will then decide what they are going to use. In my town they have a curriculum committee and a textbook committee. These boards are often comprised of parents, community representatives, teachers, principals, and district representatives. Find out when open school board meetings are, when they are planning to discuss curriculums, and what committees have openings. You can find out this info by visiting your districts website. If you still have more questions go visit the district offices and they will help you. I know it sounds like a lot of work...but you cared enough to discuss it on facebook...the next step is to get involved.
Now, just as not all curriculums are created equal, we also have to remember that the same is true of parents and teachers. Each of us is wired differently. Some people can see a problem in many different forms and solve it but most of us are going to pick and choose which method works the best for us. I get that, and as the parent of a special needs daughter, I understand the frustration of having to teach our children new ways of doing something when they already had to fight to find one way that works. But I do know that being able to come to a solution or tackle a problem in a variety of ways is important for critical thinking. The more ways we teach our students to look at a problem the better chance they have of understanding the reasons behind the formula and/or finding the way that clicks for them. In some real life situations simplicity will be valued but in many scientific or technical jobs memorization of formulas is not enough. My husband works in a job where it is critical for all involved to understand the WHY of the processes they complete just as much as understanding the HOW. So, a complete education becomes a balance then of learning the formulas and also the process behind the formula.
However, teaching a variety of methods requires a higher undestanding on the part of the teacher, or parent, or tutor. I'm not saying this is an "always" true statement but is it possible that some of the frustration with the "new" math (which isn't really all that "new" anymore) is actually rooted in the parent or teacher not understanding the math as deeply as they need to? Please don't get me wrong my children and I have had wonderful teachers who completely know their stuff inside and out! However, I also have vivid memories from when I was obtaining my degree of a group of grown women crying in my "teaching mathematics" course because they didn't know HOW to multiply fractions, let alone teach it. They were angry at the teacher when she told them that her course was to instruct them how to teach math not how to do it. You see my university, as well as myself, was under the assumption that someone who had entered a four year university had a 4th grade knowledge of math. I also remember my first day of student teaching. I watched my mentor try for half an hour to teach the class a problem from Investigations math and without getting the right answer. I knew in 2 min. what she was doing wrong but I was too nervous to speak up. Finally she asked me if I knew what to do and when I got it right she said "Perfect! You can teach for the rest of the time you're here". And from then on, I kid you not, she went to the teachers lounge and took a nap every day while I taught math. I'm really not trying to get into a teacher bashing session here but I have to admit that both of these stories rattle around in my little brain often. And then I add that to the hundreds of other parents complaining on Facebook that they don't understand how to use a number line (and that they aren't embarrased to admit that in front of hundreds of people). So am I really that bad of a person when I begin to think maybe it's more of a comment on the educational system of the 80s and 90s than it is about common core. Really, we can't figure out number lines?
So now lets discuss the many, many teachers who are amazing and know their stuff. They work hard to help our children succeed. They spend countless hours coming up with lesson plans, getting supplies collected and organized, grading our children's papers, and preparing our kids for the next level. We've also been hearing from an increased number of teachers that they are spending a significant amount of their time reteaching their students information that they should have been learning in earlier grades. Many people attribute this to poorly written standards. However if you look back over the last 20 years how many times have the standards and tests changed? Is it possible that it's actually the swinging pendulum of educational standards that is making life harder for our teachers and not the standards themselves? When the target keeps changing how can we expect teachers, or parents, or children to hit it? I've had several friends ask me how I can't get worked up about what my child is going to have to know in high school or how common core will affect my special needs daughter and my answer is usually that the whole system will probably be revamped in the 8 years before my kids even get to high school. In my opinion the biggest threat to my child's education isn't the common core standards, it is the fact that the standards will never be constant. It's the fact that every time a different political party gets a majority they will roll out a new program and millions of people will love it or hate simply based on if their "guy" is in charge. That people will continue to post angry Facebook posts about educational systems they haven't researched for five minutes. We have got to value and listen to our teachers. They are the ones in the trenches. We've got to find out what they need, what they like, what's important and how we can get involved.
So in conclusion, I get that people are unhappy with the way public schools are heading. I hear you loud and clear. I have my concerns too. Hopefully after reading this you can at least realize that your problems may be with your child's curriculum instead of common core. Identifying the problem is half the battle. I've yet to see one article about common core that actually addresses a specific standard from common core. But whatever your concern, you are left with a choice. You can A) write a sarcastic Facebook post and hope it goes viral or B) you can identify the problems, do your own research, get involved, and actually be a part of a solution.
Well, if you've made it this far through this super long post...kudos. I would love to hear your thoughts on the issue. You may be nodding in agreement or you may be fuming mad. I'm hoping we can all still be friends but if you must "destroy" me in a Youtube video I only ask that you do it in less than three minutes.
As many of my friends know, I was a teacher in a former life before having the 4 cutest little girls ever! So as a former teacher, and now as a parent, I try to keep up with whats happening in our schools. I've been doing my best to follow common core, listen to its supporters and opponents, talk with teachers, check out how it's being implemented in my child's school, etc. I assumed that most other parents would be doing the same things. Unfortunately, it seems many don't have time because instead they are too busy writing and reading never-ending rants of other parents who are supposedly "destroying" common core in 4 min. (I've also enjoyed how it has kind of become an internet game now, similar to "name that tune". I can destroy common core in 3 min. Well I can do it in 2. Okay then Lou, destroy that common core!) I mean don't get me wrong, I'm all for shorter rants but the fact of the matter is I've yet to see a video that actually "destroyed" anything but my belief that most adults have a working knowledge of how their child's education system actually works.
Let me start by explaining that a core standard (be it a standard written under no child left behind or under common core) is simply a statement of WHAT should be taught, it does not dictate HOW it should be taught. And while they are sectioned into grade levels common core doesn't even specify when in the year it should be taught. Common core is not a curriculum. Common core is not the one creating the homework problems you see on Facebook. Common core is a set of standards that set the bar for whatever curriculum a state, district or school chooses. So basically it says, choose whatever texts you want but at the end of the year here is a list of what your child should know. So standards are important. I'm not here to argue with people about if those standards should be decided locally or federally or what...but I just want people to understand what a standard is and why knowing the standards for you child's grade level is helpful and important! To find out what the actual standards are please visit http://www.corestandards.org/ You might be surprised to find that the standards have nothing to do with any of the memes you've seen on facebook. In fact, hopefully you'll read them and say "I remember learning that!".
So, what is a curriculum you ask? Well, in the United States there are numerous companies which sell curriculum plans for districts to use. When I did my student teaching they used Investigations. When I taught we used Saxon. Currently my daughter's school uses Everyday Math. Just to name a few! So when you see a homework assignment on Facebook labeled "Common Core", it's really Investigations, or Everyday Math or something like that. So if you are unhappy with your child's math program then the first step is to find out what math curriculum your school district has selected. This would be true for your child's reading program also. Since these curriculums are not chosen federally, if you see a bizarre homework assignment from someone in Florida and you currently live in North Dakota, chances are your child isn't even participating in the same curriculum. So before you freak out and send out a spam email to everyone you know, check out what curriculum your child is using.
Right now, you probably want to argue that the standardized testing associated with common core is what is driving these curriculum programs to write all these crazy homework pages that you've never learned before. However, most of these programs existed long before common core was in place. Some may even pre-date no child left behind. Also keep in mind that they are not all created equal. Do some research and see what you think. Even in my few years of teaching I could easily determine my preference for Saxon over Invesigations. Do some research. What do you like, what don't you like? What is working, what isn't?
Okay, so you've figured out what curriculum your child school is using but you are still unhappy with the work. What's the next step to making a change? (Hint: it's not writing an angry Facebook post). You need to find out who chose the curriculum, how long they've been using the curriculum, who chooses the textbooks, and how to get involved. Often a district will be given suggested texts or curriculum programs from the state and a district commitee will then decide what they are going to use. In my town they have a curriculum committee and a textbook committee. These boards are often comprised of parents, community representatives, teachers, principals, and district representatives. Find out when open school board meetings are, when they are planning to discuss curriculums, and what committees have openings. You can find out this info by visiting your districts website. If you still have more questions go visit the district offices and they will help you. I know it sounds like a lot of work...but you cared enough to discuss it on facebook...the next step is to get involved.
Now, just as not all curriculums are created equal, we also have to remember that the same is true of parents and teachers. Each of us is wired differently. Some people can see a problem in many different forms and solve it but most of us are going to pick and choose which method works the best for us. I get that, and as the parent of a special needs daughter, I understand the frustration of having to teach our children new ways of doing something when they already had to fight to find one way that works. But I do know that being able to come to a solution or tackle a problem in a variety of ways is important for critical thinking. The more ways we teach our students to look at a problem the better chance they have of understanding the reasons behind the formula and/or finding the way that clicks for them. In some real life situations simplicity will be valued but in many scientific or technical jobs memorization of formulas is not enough. My husband works in a job where it is critical for all involved to understand the WHY of the processes they complete just as much as understanding the HOW. So, a complete education becomes a balance then of learning the formulas and also the process behind the formula.
However, teaching a variety of methods requires a higher undestanding on the part of the teacher, or parent, or tutor. I'm not saying this is an "always" true statement but is it possible that some of the frustration with the "new" math (which isn't really all that "new" anymore) is actually rooted in the parent or teacher not understanding the math as deeply as they need to? Please don't get me wrong my children and I have had wonderful teachers who completely know their stuff inside and out! However, I also have vivid memories from when I was obtaining my degree of a group of grown women crying in my "teaching mathematics" course because they didn't know HOW to multiply fractions, let alone teach it. They were angry at the teacher when she told them that her course was to instruct them how to teach math not how to do it. You see my university, as well as myself, was under the assumption that someone who had entered a four year university had a 4th grade knowledge of math. I also remember my first day of student teaching. I watched my mentor try for half an hour to teach the class a problem from Investigations math and without getting the right answer. I knew in 2 min. what she was doing wrong but I was too nervous to speak up. Finally she asked me if I knew what to do and when I got it right she said "Perfect! You can teach for the rest of the time you're here". And from then on, I kid you not, she went to the teachers lounge and took a nap every day while I taught math. I'm really not trying to get into a teacher bashing session here but I have to admit that both of these stories rattle around in my little brain often. And then I add that to the hundreds of other parents complaining on Facebook that they don't understand how to use a number line (and that they aren't embarrased to admit that in front of hundreds of people). So am I really that bad of a person when I begin to think maybe it's more of a comment on the educational system of the 80s and 90s than it is about common core. Really, we can't figure out number lines?
So now lets discuss the many, many teachers who are amazing and know their stuff. They work hard to help our children succeed. They spend countless hours coming up with lesson plans, getting supplies collected and organized, grading our children's papers, and preparing our kids for the next level. We've also been hearing from an increased number of teachers that they are spending a significant amount of their time reteaching their students information that they should have been learning in earlier grades. Many people attribute this to poorly written standards. However if you look back over the last 20 years how many times have the standards and tests changed? Is it possible that it's actually the swinging pendulum of educational standards that is making life harder for our teachers and not the standards themselves? When the target keeps changing how can we expect teachers, or parents, or children to hit it? I've had several friends ask me how I can't get worked up about what my child is going to have to know in high school or how common core will affect my special needs daughter and my answer is usually that the whole system will probably be revamped in the 8 years before my kids even get to high school. In my opinion the biggest threat to my child's education isn't the common core standards, it is the fact that the standards will never be constant. It's the fact that every time a different political party gets a majority they will roll out a new program and millions of people will love it or hate simply based on if their "guy" is in charge. That people will continue to post angry Facebook posts about educational systems they haven't researched for five minutes. We have got to value and listen to our teachers. They are the ones in the trenches. We've got to find out what they need, what they like, what's important and how we can get involved.
So in conclusion, I get that people are unhappy with the way public schools are heading. I hear you loud and clear. I have my concerns too. Hopefully after reading this you can at least realize that your problems may be with your child's curriculum instead of common core. Identifying the problem is half the battle. I've yet to see one article about common core that actually addresses a specific standard from common core. But whatever your concern, you are left with a choice. You can A) write a sarcastic Facebook post and hope it goes viral or B) you can identify the problems, do your own research, get involved, and actually be a part of a solution.
Well, if you've made it this far through this super long post...kudos. I would love to hear your thoughts on the issue. You may be nodding in agreement or you may be fuming mad. I'm hoping we can all still be friends but if you must "destroy" me in a Youtube video I only ask that you do it in less than three minutes.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Book Review- Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking
Okay, so I'm actually going to take time and review this book because I have so many thoughts that I want to remember for book group. I gave it 2 stars on goodreads, not because I hated it or anything, but because I just thought it was ok. However, I think it is going to really bring out some awesome debates at book group and being an extrovert (who likes a little conflict now and again) I'm excited!!
The book seemed in many parts to contradict itself and there were several historical chapters that seemed to only tell part of the story (I'm not sure if that was just to serve the purpose of the book or if they just weren't well researched). I know that so many of my friends who are introverted loved this book and I hope I don't offend with my low rating. I just thought I'd share my impression of the book, from an extroverts point of view. I really did go into this book hoping to understand my introverted friends and family better as well as learn what I could do to relate with others better. However, that was hard to do when I felt like the book was attacking me (an extrovert) at every turn. I seriously got the impression that the author is annoyed to the point of being fed-up with all things extrovert which left me wondering...is that how my friends and family feel about me? So in an effort to minimize my "loud-mouthed-ness", I'm writing down my feelings here so as to prevent my introverted friends from voting me out of book group forever! I can change...I promise I can change!
So...where to start...How about...Why do we need to tear down extroverts in order to build up introverts? At first glance this book doesn't seem to tear down extroverts. It's careful to state a couple of times that the world needs both introverts and extroverts working together. However she never really gets to the point of how they can do that...or why they would want to...because she never really says anything that an extrovert does well. The book tells us that introverts are smarter, better managers, make better decisions, keep in better shape, and are more faithful. It doesn't really leave much for extroverts to excel in. And even when she does delve into a strength that an extrovert might have she usually downplays its importance. “Maybe extroverts are better at some things than introverts, but those things don't really matter anyway”.
When you pay closer attention to the actual words used to describe extroverts within this book you find that the author sees no use for them whatsoever, carefully dropping hints that extroverts might just be terrible human beings. At different points in the book they are referred to as loud mouths, "speaking nonsense", and self centered. There are at least 3 times in the book where she makes sure to point out that the introvert she's interviewing is trim and in good shape while the extroverts are described as large or overweight. She even goes so far as to describe a bossy 5th grade girl as chubby...just in case the word "bossy" wasn't enough to put this young extrovert in her place. Even in parts where she falsely offers an olive branch she still manages to get in a backhanded compliment. At one point, while trying to describe that all of us fall somewhere in the middle on the spectrum from introvert to extrovert, she says something to the effect of "not ALL introverts are geniuses and not all extroverts get drunk and wear lampshades on their heads at parties" See how she carefully ties introverts to a positive behavior and extroverts to something bad. Another way to say this would be “Only MOST introverts are super gifted and only MOST extroverts are lazy drunks”. I understand that this book is meant to empower introverts but tearing down their extroverted loved ones doesn't help accomplish this. How does feeling superior help anyone become a better mentor, manager, or lover. Never once does she mention any of the pitfalls that might be associated with thinking you are better than someone else. Just pokes fun at the extroverted dummies and moves on. I would just think that if you wanted to empower introverts you would help them understand extroverts and how they can successfully work together, not how they might be superior. And for the record, even though introverts might be more sensitive than extroverts it doesn't mean that extroverts are fine with being trampled.
As I mentioned before I was hoping to learn more about my introverted family and friends. I thought it would be good to read about how better to work together. How we compliment one another. What I might do differently in my interactions with my husband and others. But the book made me feel like probably, my introverted friends were barely tolerating me as it is. The book seemed to make the point that the divide between intro and extro was too large to cross so maybe it would be better if I didn't try.
Second, the use of famous introverts and extroverts in this book left me scratching my head. If we are going to use history to learn lessons about ourselves then it would be most beneficial to study their entire life. Not just pick and choose the stories that will support the point they are trying to make. For instance the author points out many times that extroverted Franklin Roosevelt cheated on introverted Eleanor. Helping to make her case that extroverts are less faithful and worse at relationships. However, she never brings up the fact that Eleanor for sure had one ongoing affair of her own and is rumored to have had multiple affairs, with both men and women. I'm not trying to say that Eleanor wasn't still a very influential and inspiring introvert. Just that the author should tell the whole story. She also uses Kafka and Einstein as examples of successful introverts. And indeed both show us that introverts have given us many huge advancements. However, again, when we look at their lives as a whole we find that Einstein is a bit of philanderer who cheats on his wife and has an affair with his first cousin. While Kafka has multiple fiances that he never marries and is very into pornography. It's true their sex lives don't diminish their other successes but its hard to take her seriously when she is offering up a poem from Kafka as advice on how introverts can have success in relationships.
In another chapter of the book she talks about how introverts tend to do better in hard childhoods then extroverts do. A point that was well made until she brought in famous examples to make her point. First, she list introverts that had hard upbringings and still managed to shine. Very good. But then she mentions that it takes a good childhood to make a successful extrovert like Oprah. I would think by now that there isn't a person left in America who doesn't know Oprah's childhood story. She was moved back and forth between her mom, grandma, and aunts for most of her childhood. She was raped by two family members and had very little money growing up. Not exactly a privileged childhood yet she perseveres and finds success. Now it could be that Oprah is the exception to the rule, but even if she is, why use her as an example without discussing her whole past.
Third, I had a difficult time understanding the chapters about introverts being better managers. I truly believe that introverts can be wonderful managers. I'm not arguing her point at all, but what I didn't understand was how first she talks about how introverts are more willing to listen to others ideas but then follows it up with how much introverts want to work alone. So I wished she would have bridged the gap there for the reader better. How does someone who prefers working alone listen to others ideas better than someone who actually wants to work in a group? I'm not going to lie, personal experience might have tainted this concept for me too. My husband and my father are both introverts and both of them like to get their way. I even discussed this with my husband and he agreed that he preferred to make decisions himself over listening to others*. And if I'm being completely honest I'm an extrovert that likes to work alone. I like getting my way too, but usually when going head to head with my husband or dad, they are victorious in getting their way. Maybe then it's a gender difference thing coming into play too? Which quick side note: I felt like most of her relationship examples in the book where of an extroverted husband and introverted wife. Is the dynamic possibly different if the wife is the extrovert? I was hoping to read about more situations like that.
*My husband would like me to add that what he really said was that he didn't mind me making the decisions as long as my decisions were the same as his. How very introverted indeed. ;)
Fourth, and this might be the extrovert in me, if we really want to empower someone we can't just point out all their strengths. We have to help them overcome their weaknesses too. I never quite felt like she did that for her readers. However, she does address in the book, that extroverts are more motivated by critical words than introverts are. So maybe she is trying to spare her readers feelings? Or maybe introverts are more self-critical than are extroverts so they don't need someone to tell them about their weaknesses? When I read a self help book I'm usually looking for three things. 1) Things I'm doing right 2) Things I'm doing wrong and 3) What can I do differently to turn my wrongs to rights. I think this book really gave me a lot to think about and helped me take some time for introspection but didn't really give me any new tools to empower myself or those around me. But then again I'm an extrovert so I'm not the intended audience. If you are an introvert and it did give you those tools then I think it accomplished its goal anyway. And maybe it's not really all about me ;)
There were a lot of things I just didn't quite understand about this book. Maybe I really should have spent more time studying in college than I did dancing around with lampshades on my head. I look forward to hearing what all of my introverted friends at book club thought of it. Like I said, it's not really about me, so in the end if it is helpful to introverts than I think it accomplished its goal. As an added bonus, if they finished it without hating me for being a loudmouth extrovert, I'd really appreciate it. I just barely finished apologizing to everyone about being a red personality (after we read the color code) now it looks like I need to apologize for being an extrovert too. Maybe I just need to read a book about being an extrovert so I understand myself more before I can understand others. I think a good title would be “Loudmouth: How to be an Extrovert In a World that Wants Me to Shut Up!”.
The book seemed in many parts to contradict itself and there were several historical chapters that seemed to only tell part of the story (I'm not sure if that was just to serve the purpose of the book or if they just weren't well researched). I know that so many of my friends who are introverted loved this book and I hope I don't offend with my low rating. I just thought I'd share my impression of the book, from an extroverts point of view. I really did go into this book hoping to understand my introverted friends and family better as well as learn what I could do to relate with others better. However, that was hard to do when I felt like the book was attacking me (an extrovert) at every turn. I seriously got the impression that the author is annoyed to the point of being fed-up with all things extrovert which left me wondering...is that how my friends and family feel about me? So in an effort to minimize my "loud-mouthed-ness", I'm writing down my feelings here so as to prevent my introverted friends from voting me out of book group forever! I can change...I promise I can change!
So...where to start...How about...Why do we need to tear down extroverts in order to build up introverts? At first glance this book doesn't seem to tear down extroverts. It's careful to state a couple of times that the world needs both introverts and extroverts working together. However she never really gets to the point of how they can do that...or why they would want to...because she never really says anything that an extrovert does well. The book tells us that introverts are smarter, better managers, make better decisions, keep in better shape, and are more faithful. It doesn't really leave much for extroverts to excel in. And even when she does delve into a strength that an extrovert might have she usually downplays its importance. “Maybe extroverts are better at some things than introverts, but those things don't really matter anyway”.
When you pay closer attention to the actual words used to describe extroverts within this book you find that the author sees no use for them whatsoever, carefully dropping hints that extroverts might just be terrible human beings. At different points in the book they are referred to as loud mouths, "speaking nonsense", and self centered. There are at least 3 times in the book where she makes sure to point out that the introvert she's interviewing is trim and in good shape while the extroverts are described as large or overweight. She even goes so far as to describe a bossy 5th grade girl as chubby...just in case the word "bossy" wasn't enough to put this young extrovert in her place. Even in parts where she falsely offers an olive branch she still manages to get in a backhanded compliment. At one point, while trying to describe that all of us fall somewhere in the middle on the spectrum from introvert to extrovert, she says something to the effect of "not ALL introverts are geniuses and not all extroverts get drunk and wear lampshades on their heads at parties" See how she carefully ties introverts to a positive behavior and extroverts to something bad. Another way to say this would be “Only MOST introverts are super gifted and only MOST extroverts are lazy drunks”. I understand that this book is meant to empower introverts but tearing down their extroverted loved ones doesn't help accomplish this. How does feeling superior help anyone become a better mentor, manager, or lover. Never once does she mention any of the pitfalls that might be associated with thinking you are better than someone else. Just pokes fun at the extroverted dummies and moves on. I would just think that if you wanted to empower introverts you would help them understand extroverts and how they can successfully work together, not how they might be superior. And for the record, even though introverts might be more sensitive than extroverts it doesn't mean that extroverts are fine with being trampled.
As I mentioned before I was hoping to learn more about my introverted family and friends. I thought it would be good to read about how better to work together. How we compliment one another. What I might do differently in my interactions with my husband and others. But the book made me feel like probably, my introverted friends were barely tolerating me as it is. The book seemed to make the point that the divide between intro and extro was too large to cross so maybe it would be better if I didn't try.
Second, the use of famous introverts and extroverts in this book left me scratching my head. If we are going to use history to learn lessons about ourselves then it would be most beneficial to study their entire life. Not just pick and choose the stories that will support the point they are trying to make. For instance the author points out many times that extroverted Franklin Roosevelt cheated on introverted Eleanor. Helping to make her case that extroverts are less faithful and worse at relationships. However, she never brings up the fact that Eleanor for sure had one ongoing affair of her own and is rumored to have had multiple affairs, with both men and women. I'm not trying to say that Eleanor wasn't still a very influential and inspiring introvert. Just that the author should tell the whole story. She also uses Kafka and Einstein as examples of successful introverts. And indeed both show us that introverts have given us many huge advancements. However, again, when we look at their lives as a whole we find that Einstein is a bit of philanderer who cheats on his wife and has an affair with his first cousin. While Kafka has multiple fiances that he never marries and is very into pornography. It's true their sex lives don't diminish their other successes but its hard to take her seriously when she is offering up a poem from Kafka as advice on how introverts can have success in relationships.
In another chapter of the book she talks about how introverts tend to do better in hard childhoods then extroverts do. A point that was well made until she brought in famous examples to make her point. First, she list introverts that had hard upbringings and still managed to shine. Very good. But then she mentions that it takes a good childhood to make a successful extrovert like Oprah. I would think by now that there isn't a person left in America who doesn't know Oprah's childhood story. She was moved back and forth between her mom, grandma, and aunts for most of her childhood. She was raped by two family members and had very little money growing up. Not exactly a privileged childhood yet she perseveres and finds success. Now it could be that Oprah is the exception to the rule, but even if she is, why use her as an example without discussing her whole past.
Third, I had a difficult time understanding the chapters about introverts being better managers. I truly believe that introverts can be wonderful managers. I'm not arguing her point at all, but what I didn't understand was how first she talks about how introverts are more willing to listen to others ideas but then follows it up with how much introverts want to work alone. So I wished she would have bridged the gap there for the reader better. How does someone who prefers working alone listen to others ideas better than someone who actually wants to work in a group? I'm not going to lie, personal experience might have tainted this concept for me too. My husband and my father are both introverts and both of them like to get their way. I even discussed this with my husband and he agreed that he preferred to make decisions himself over listening to others*. And if I'm being completely honest I'm an extrovert that likes to work alone. I like getting my way too, but usually when going head to head with my husband or dad, they are victorious in getting their way. Maybe then it's a gender difference thing coming into play too? Which quick side note: I felt like most of her relationship examples in the book where of an extroverted husband and introverted wife. Is the dynamic possibly different if the wife is the extrovert? I was hoping to read about more situations like that.
*My husband would like me to add that what he really said was that he didn't mind me making the decisions as long as my decisions were the same as his. How very introverted indeed. ;)
Fourth, and this might be the extrovert in me, if we really want to empower someone we can't just point out all their strengths. We have to help them overcome their weaknesses too. I never quite felt like she did that for her readers. However, she does address in the book, that extroverts are more motivated by critical words than introverts are. So maybe she is trying to spare her readers feelings? Or maybe introverts are more self-critical than are extroverts so they don't need someone to tell them about their weaknesses? When I read a self help book I'm usually looking for three things. 1) Things I'm doing right 2) Things I'm doing wrong and 3) What can I do differently to turn my wrongs to rights. I think this book really gave me a lot to think about and helped me take some time for introspection but didn't really give me any new tools to empower myself or those around me. But then again I'm an extrovert so I'm not the intended audience. If you are an introvert and it did give you those tools then I think it accomplished its goal anyway. And maybe it's not really all about me ;)
There were a lot of things I just didn't quite understand about this book. Maybe I really should have spent more time studying in college than I did dancing around with lampshades on my head. I look forward to hearing what all of my introverted friends at book club thought of it. Like I said, it's not really about me, so in the end if it is helpful to introverts than I think it accomplished its goal. As an added bonus, if they finished it without hating me for being a loudmouth extrovert, I'd really appreciate it. I just barely finished apologizing to everyone about being a red personality (after we read the color code) now it looks like I need to apologize for being an extrovert too. Maybe I just need to read a book about being an extrovert so I understand myself more before I can understand others. I think a good title would be “Loudmouth: How to be an Extrovert In a World that Wants Me to Shut Up!”.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Running Songs for Beginners
So last year I did a few 5k's so now I'm working toward a 10K. I'm running my first one in June and can't believe how hard it is to make the switch from running 3 miles to running 6! Taking basically all of December off probably didn't help things much either :/
Anyway, as I've been getting going again I've been collecting fun songs to listen to/work out to and I thought I'd share some. Some of these songs have quick tempos but for the most part they are songs with a really strong beat that helps me keep on pace. I try to average about a 12 minute pace which means that sometimes I'm running at a 10 min. pace and sometimes I'm walking at a 14 min. pace. In an ideal world I would just jog the whole thing straight through but I'm not there yet.
My friend Angela and I have been running together for about the last 4 months. I worked my way through a couch to 5K program which was great but never really helped with my speed. (My average is 39 min.) That worked fine for the 5K but now that we are working toward the 10K I really want to focus on speed as well as endurance. So we've recently started running 2 minutes, walking 1 minute, running 2, walking1, etc. It feels a lot harder and I was pleasantly surprised that it shaved 3 minutes off my time!
Anyway, this playlist has been great to get me through the walking/running process. Some are fast and some are slow but they all motivate me and help pass the time! This list straight through gives you just over an hour of music. I'm no expert on running but I'm giving it a shot. You can too! Give some of these songs a try and see what you think.
1) The Distance by Cake
2) My Songs Know What you Did in the Dark (Light Em UP) by Fallout Boy
3) Holding Out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler
4) Radioactive by Imagine Dragons
5) Dance, Dance by Fall Out Boy
6) Can't Stop Partying by Weezer (edited version)
7) Stronger by Kelly Clarkson
8) Everybody Talks by Neon Trees
9) Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm
10) The Middle by Jimmy Eat World
11) Any Way You Want It by Journey
12) (If you're Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To by Weezer
13) Why Pt. 2 by Collective Soul
14) Come Original by 311
15) 50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train
16) Elevation by U2
17) Roar by Katy Perry
Anyway, as I've been getting going again I've been collecting fun songs to listen to/work out to and I thought I'd share some. Some of these songs have quick tempos but for the most part they are songs with a really strong beat that helps me keep on pace. I try to average about a 12 minute pace which means that sometimes I'm running at a 10 min. pace and sometimes I'm walking at a 14 min. pace. In an ideal world I would just jog the whole thing straight through but I'm not there yet.
My friend Angela and I have been running together for about the last 4 months. I worked my way through a couch to 5K program which was great but never really helped with my speed. (My average is 39 min.) That worked fine for the 5K but now that we are working toward the 10K I really want to focus on speed as well as endurance. So we've recently started running 2 minutes, walking 1 minute, running 2, walking1, etc. It feels a lot harder and I was pleasantly surprised that it shaved 3 minutes off my time!
Anyway, this playlist has been great to get me through the walking/running process. Some are fast and some are slow but they all motivate me and help pass the time! This list straight through gives you just over an hour of music. I'm no expert on running but I'm giving it a shot. You can too! Give some of these songs a try and see what you think.
1) The Distance by Cake
2) My Songs Know What you Did in the Dark (Light Em UP) by Fallout Boy
3) Holding Out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler
4) Radioactive by Imagine Dragons
5) Dance, Dance by Fall Out Boy
6) Can't Stop Partying by Weezer (edited version)
7) Stronger by Kelly Clarkson
8) Everybody Talks by Neon Trees
9) Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm
10) The Middle by Jimmy Eat World
11) Any Way You Want It by Journey
12) (If you're Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To by Weezer
13) Why Pt. 2 by Collective Soul
14) Come Original by 311
15) 50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train
16) Elevation by U2
17) Roar by Katy Perry
Monday, September 30, 2013
Parenting, Bullying, Sex and You
I've been thinking about this post for a while now. I've gone back and forth about if I should write it or not. What I would say, how I would say it? I have been feeling weighed down by social media lately. That there is no portrayal of the good. That there is too much emphasis on the bad. People posting horrible news reports, statistics, pictures of strangers who cut them off in traffic, etc. I don't want to start an argument. I don't want to sound naive or like Pollyanna. But I feel like being true to myself would require me to say something. So here we go...
I know that there is a lot of garbage in the world. I know that there are a lot of people seeking to harm others. I know about bullies, pedophiles, kidnappers, pornography, etc., etc., etc. I know that I have to teach my kids to be smart and safe and to stand up for themselves. But I also know that there is a lot of good in the world. I know there are people who help others, who teach others. People who have suffered abuse and have overcome and healed. I know that if I want my children to be happy in this life I have to teach them about good, not just how to avoid the bad.
The media-driven world we live in has a tendency to paint the world as a horrible, dark and tough place, void of love or compassion. But, whether you believe in God or not, most people believe in some source of good or light. Hopefully all of us have felt a sense of peace from within (even if it was fleeting), have been helped by someone else, or have had moments of contentment between storms. I know that I can think of hundreds of stories of people helping me unload my shopping cart, or picking up something I dropped, or sending me an anonymous gift card in the mail, or cleaning my house, or making me dinner. And I know other people have those experiences too but they maybe aren't as entertaining to put on Facebook as "let me tell you about the jerk I met in Target today...". And because today's population spends so time on Facebook it might start to feel like we've experienced more bad than good...simply because we've read about more bad than good.
As more and more articles make their way through my Facebook feed about protecting our children from pedophiles, immodesty, bullies, and pornography, I'm starting to feel like there are too many things to combat, that the world is too far gone, and that my children are never going to be able to turn out happy. I know it's not true based on my experience of good, but based upon the articles I read online I can see how someone might reach the conclusion that the world's headed down the crapper. So the question then has to be asked: how much time are we spending "experiencing" life, and how much of our time are we spending on social media? Are we giving equal value and time to our real life relationships as we are to what we read on Facebook, the news, etc.?
Now those who know me know that I read a lot of articles. I love to read. I love to discuss. Parenting tips, self help, child birth, economy, health care, you name it. I have an opinion and I'm willing to talk your ear off about it! But here's the thing: experience trumps what I've read every time. Sometimes my experience shows me that what I've read is correct, solidifying my position. But sometimes my experience will vary from what I've read (childbirth). At that point my experience (epidurals are awesome) trumps what I've read (if you have an epidural your baby will never find love and may become a serial killer). So even though everyone else might be telling you this is the only way to raise your kid, or this is the article that will protect your family, or here's the “answer to life, the universe, and everything” you don't have to accept it as truth. Because you might have to figure it out for yourself: what worked for them might not work for you, or they might just be a whackadoo. You never can tell. We've got to start learning from our experiences and the experiences of people we trust and stop putting all of our faith in things we read on the internet, even if they are written by people with Ph.D.’s. My sister has a Ph.D. and she's awesome but sometimes she's just wrong...and I as the older sister must point that out from time to time ;) You're welcome! Anyway, to all of us, keep studying and learning but don't forget to talk with others, learn from them, and learn from our own experiences.
When I was a teacher my school had just started their anti-bully campaign. It was interesting to me that the more the counselor came in to talk about bullies...the more my students seem to think they were being bullied. Numberless fingers were pointed at one another, "you bully" became the new putdown, and every disagreement was a sign that bullies were taking over the school. So for the 5th graders, the take home message for them was: "Bullies are everywhere. Anyone who disagrees with you is a bully. You will be bullied". The other thing was that the leaders never addressed not being a bully yourself. So my students would all get into arguments and assume that they were the one standing up to a bully. It never occurred to them that they might be the bully in the argument! Same with the parents. They'd all get together to talk about the anti-bully campaign but they would talk about the "bully" like there was some oversized orphan who hiked in from the train station just to bully their kids instead of stopping to realize that if there was a bully problem in our class then it meant one of their kids was being a bully. And they also weren't stopping to consider the fact that it wasn't just black and white. They were thinking that you either are all the way a bully or all the way innocent. Very rarely, in my experience, was there just one giant thug who was a bully all of the time. It was more a case of everyone taking a turn being a bully about different things.
So I'm not saying that we shouldn't teach our kids about bullying but I am saying that the method we are using doesn't work. Instead of trying to teach them all the horrible things a bully might do, why don’t we teach them what bully would not do. Teach them what a good citizen looks like so that they can see people for what they really are and know what they should be striving for. So that they can think “Is Johnny really a bully, or is he just having a bad day?" When we only teach them what a bully acts like they tend to think everyone is a bully. Then they grow up to think that everyone is out to get them. I know people like that and their happiness is limited and their progression is stopped because they feel held down by others. They give away their power to others who they believe are doing them harm. I don't want that for my children. I want them to look for the good in people too. So that when they do come across a bully they know how to handle the situation, they know that their reaction is more important than the other person’s action, and that no matter what other people may do to them…they are loved by someone! I want them to know that there are more people willing to build them up than rip them down.
I was also constantly amazed at what my students already knew about and were talking about. Garbage video games where they were blowing people away. Pornography they had found on their parents computer. It was truly scary. I know that we have to talk to our children about these things so that they can hear it from us first and not from their peers. But there is a lot of specifics about pornography that I don't even know about, let alone want my kids to know about. And this might sound naive, but I really don't think that just because some kids in the class know all the specific terminology for this garbage that we need to teach all the kids that terminology. I’ve lived a pretty healthy and happy life not knowing it and I think my kids can too. I know that there are a lot of websites and images out there dedicated to dehumanizing men and women. There is a lot of cruelty out there. But instead of trying to protect our kids by telling them all the specific horrible ways that sex can be manipulated and ruined, isn't it more effective to teach them about what healthy sex and relationships are like? Then when/if someone wants them to do or watch something that isn't healthy they will know it is wrong.
It just doesn't make sense to me that we would introduce our kids to filthy words and ideas just so that we don't have to worry about other people introducing those words and ideas to our kids. Since we don’t know which one they might be introduced to we are going to fill their head with all of the hundreds of things it might be. So once again, I'm not saying we shouldn't warn them about the evils that are out there, I just think we need to spend equal time talking about the good side of things too. So that they feel empowered to make correct decisions for themselves and they don't walk away from the conversation thinking sex is a horrible, dirty thing, because it isn't. Also by talking openly and often about things, and speaking without fear, we can keep lines of communication open between our children and ourselves. So that when one of their peers teaches them some disgusting word we never thought of they will be comfortable enough to come and ask us what it means instead of being scared that we are going to launch into a whole giant speech about other filthy words that they might also hear. Don't go to dark places in an effort to keep your kids away from them. Stand clearly in the light and let your children follow you there.
The final parenting issue I want to talk about is trust. I have read so many parenting articles about teaching our kids not to trust anyone. It's a concept that I have a hard time with. Obviously we hear heartbreaking stories of children being abused by the people they should have been able to trust the most. I know that you can't always tell who might abuse or harm your child. But the current solution to that problem seems to be, don't trust anyone around your child! Suspect your parents, your husband, you siblings, etc. It just seems like such a hard way to live your life. I agree we have to be careful who we can trust but at some point, in order to live a healthy life, you are going to have to connect with people enough to trust them. I know this can be hard when we've had our trust broken before, but there are people who are worthy of trust. Let your experience and intuition guide you. Don't withhold your trust from a deserving relationship just because you read an article online telling you about someone else who should not have been trusted. And furthermore, since we can't predict what a liar looks like, wouldn't it be more effective to teach our kids what a trustworthy person acts like? Someone who deserves our trust helps us feel calm, won’t hurt us, doesn't ask us to keep secrets, etc. Then when they come across someone who isn't meeting those criteria they will know to tell us about it. More heartbreaking than the abuse stories are the stories of victims who didn’t think they could tell anyone. Who stayed in their abusive situation because they thought others would judge them, no one could help. Because in a lot of those cases, people would have helped them! Had they been told, had they been trusted. If the only message they are hearing is don't trust anyone, how will they know they can trust us to help?
I obviously don't want my children to be taken advantage of, but I also don't want them to walk through life thinking they are going to be attacked at every turn. I just think it's a balance. For as much as we are warning our kids about "tricky" people who want to hurt them, are we teaching our kids about the trustworthy people who can help them? There is danger in living in extremes. We can cripple ourselves just as much by not trusting anyone as we can by being too trusting. While not trusting anyone might keep our children safe from harm, it may also hold them back from growing, loving, and being built up.
It terrifies me that no matter how much I study, prepare, and pray I can't keep my children 100% safe 100% of the time. I certainly can’t keep them from feeling heartbreak or knowing sadness. I know that for every way I can think of to protect my kids there is probably someone out there who could think of 10 ways to hurt them. I understand these realities but yet I still have hope for my children. I believe that there are people out there who will love them, defend them, and respect them. I want them to know that I see good in the world, so that they can see good in the world. I'd feel horrible that if through my attempts to educate them about the evils of the world I had planted the seeds of anger and fear in their hearts. I know there are cold hard truths that I'm going to have to explain to my kids. I know that there are cold hard truths they will learn about through their own experiences too. It's part of being in this world. But I also know I've had a lot of joy in my life and that they will too. I've had family and friends who I could trust. They've helped me get through situations where I've been mistreated by others whom I could not trust. They've also been there when I've hurt others through my ignorance or miscommunications. I've been loved. I've been forgiven. I’ve been able to forgive. I'm still learning. I'm excited for my kids to be able to do all of those things too.
So I'm trying to be more balanced in my parenting. I want my children to know good from evil. So that means I have to teach them about both! I want my daughters to know that even though there are people who might abuse them, there are also people who will love them. Even though there are murderers, liars, deviants, perverts, and bullies there are also heroes, helpers, teachers, counselors and lovers. For every boy who might degrade women, there is also a boy who is willing to cherish them. Even though our world may be filled with distorted pornographic images of sex, I still believe it is also filled with loving couples with healthy relationships that can withstand the storms of life. More than what we say, our children will emulate what we do. They will see the world how we see the world. Not how we tell them to see the world. Are we looking for the good? Or are we seeking for the garbage?! Are we teaching them to seek out the virtuous, the lovely, the things of good report, the praiseworthy?
More than just turning my kids away from wrong, I want to turn them toward right. So they can be with the right people in the right places with the right timing. So that even when I'm not there to protect them they can protect themselves. They can make better decisions because they understand WHY they are making those decisions. Not because they are scared of the worst, but because they are hopeful for the best.
I know that there is a lot of garbage in the world. I know that there are a lot of people seeking to harm others. I know about bullies, pedophiles, kidnappers, pornography, etc., etc., etc. I know that I have to teach my kids to be smart and safe and to stand up for themselves. But I also know that there is a lot of good in the world. I know there are people who help others, who teach others. People who have suffered abuse and have overcome and healed. I know that if I want my children to be happy in this life I have to teach them about good, not just how to avoid the bad.
The media-driven world we live in has a tendency to paint the world as a horrible, dark and tough place, void of love or compassion. But, whether you believe in God or not, most people believe in some source of good or light. Hopefully all of us have felt a sense of peace from within (even if it was fleeting), have been helped by someone else, or have had moments of contentment between storms. I know that I can think of hundreds of stories of people helping me unload my shopping cart, or picking up something I dropped, or sending me an anonymous gift card in the mail, or cleaning my house, or making me dinner. And I know other people have those experiences too but they maybe aren't as entertaining to put on Facebook as "let me tell you about the jerk I met in Target today...". And because today's population spends so time on Facebook it might start to feel like we've experienced more bad than good...simply because we've read about more bad than good.
As more and more articles make their way through my Facebook feed about protecting our children from pedophiles, immodesty, bullies, and pornography, I'm starting to feel like there are too many things to combat, that the world is too far gone, and that my children are never going to be able to turn out happy. I know it's not true based on my experience of good, but based upon the articles I read online I can see how someone might reach the conclusion that the world's headed down the crapper. So the question then has to be asked: how much time are we spending "experiencing" life, and how much of our time are we spending on social media? Are we giving equal value and time to our real life relationships as we are to what we read on Facebook, the news, etc.?
Now those who know me know that I read a lot of articles. I love to read. I love to discuss. Parenting tips, self help, child birth, economy, health care, you name it. I have an opinion and I'm willing to talk your ear off about it! But here's the thing: experience trumps what I've read every time. Sometimes my experience shows me that what I've read is correct, solidifying my position. But sometimes my experience will vary from what I've read (childbirth). At that point my experience (epidurals are awesome) trumps what I've read (if you have an epidural your baby will never find love and may become a serial killer). So even though everyone else might be telling you this is the only way to raise your kid, or this is the article that will protect your family, or here's the “answer to life, the universe, and everything” you don't have to accept it as truth. Because you might have to figure it out for yourself: what worked for them might not work for you, or they might just be a whackadoo. You never can tell. We've got to start learning from our experiences and the experiences of people we trust and stop putting all of our faith in things we read on the internet, even if they are written by people with Ph.D.’s. My sister has a Ph.D. and she's awesome but sometimes she's just wrong...and I as the older sister must point that out from time to time ;) You're welcome! Anyway, to all of us, keep studying and learning but don't forget to talk with others, learn from them, and learn from our own experiences.
I understand the feeling of wanting to know everything that is out there to harm our children. I don't want my kids to be bullied, or abused, or see graphic images. I also don't want them to always walk around waiting to be attacked. I think it's a balance. Are we spending as much time telling our children about the joys of life as we are telling them about the dangers? I worry that in an attempt to better prepare our children for the cold, hard world we are actually turning them into cold and hard souls. That we are so worried about seeing the world through rose-colored glasses that we're actually making it impossible for our kids to see any joy at all. A great quote from L.R. Knost says: “It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” And so with that in mind...here are some problems with modern parenting that I've been pondering lately.
So I'm not saying that we shouldn't teach our kids about bullying but I am saying that the method we are using doesn't work. Instead of trying to teach them all the horrible things a bully might do, why don’t we teach them what bully would not do. Teach them what a good citizen looks like so that they can see people for what they really are and know what they should be striving for. So that they can think “Is Johnny really a bully, or is he just having a bad day?" When we only teach them what a bully acts like they tend to think everyone is a bully. Then they grow up to think that everyone is out to get them. I know people like that and their happiness is limited and their progression is stopped because they feel held down by others. They give away their power to others who they believe are doing them harm. I don't want that for my children. I want them to look for the good in people too. So that when they do come across a bully they know how to handle the situation, they know that their reaction is more important than the other person’s action, and that no matter what other people may do to them…they are loved by someone! I want them to know that there are more people willing to build them up than rip them down.
I was also constantly amazed at what my students already knew about and were talking about. Garbage video games where they were blowing people away. Pornography they had found on their parents computer. It was truly scary. I know that we have to talk to our children about these things so that they can hear it from us first and not from their peers. But there is a lot of specifics about pornography that I don't even know about, let alone want my kids to know about. And this might sound naive, but I really don't think that just because some kids in the class know all the specific terminology for this garbage that we need to teach all the kids that terminology. I’ve lived a pretty healthy and happy life not knowing it and I think my kids can too. I know that there are a lot of websites and images out there dedicated to dehumanizing men and women. There is a lot of cruelty out there. But instead of trying to protect our kids by telling them all the specific horrible ways that sex can be manipulated and ruined, isn't it more effective to teach them about what healthy sex and relationships are like? Then when/if someone wants them to do or watch something that isn't healthy they will know it is wrong.
It just doesn't make sense to me that we would introduce our kids to filthy words and ideas just so that we don't have to worry about other people introducing those words and ideas to our kids. Since we don’t know which one they might be introduced to we are going to fill their head with all of the hundreds of things it might be. So once again, I'm not saying we shouldn't warn them about the evils that are out there, I just think we need to spend equal time talking about the good side of things too. So that they feel empowered to make correct decisions for themselves and they don't walk away from the conversation thinking sex is a horrible, dirty thing, because it isn't. Also by talking openly and often about things, and speaking without fear, we can keep lines of communication open between our children and ourselves. So that when one of their peers teaches them some disgusting word we never thought of they will be comfortable enough to come and ask us what it means instead of being scared that we are going to launch into a whole giant speech about other filthy words that they might also hear. Don't go to dark places in an effort to keep your kids away from them. Stand clearly in the light and let your children follow you there.
The final parenting issue I want to talk about is trust. I have read so many parenting articles about teaching our kids not to trust anyone. It's a concept that I have a hard time with. Obviously we hear heartbreaking stories of children being abused by the people they should have been able to trust the most. I know that you can't always tell who might abuse or harm your child. But the current solution to that problem seems to be, don't trust anyone around your child! Suspect your parents, your husband, you siblings, etc. It just seems like such a hard way to live your life. I agree we have to be careful who we can trust but at some point, in order to live a healthy life, you are going to have to connect with people enough to trust them. I know this can be hard when we've had our trust broken before, but there are people who are worthy of trust. Let your experience and intuition guide you. Don't withhold your trust from a deserving relationship just because you read an article online telling you about someone else who should not have been trusted. And furthermore, since we can't predict what a liar looks like, wouldn't it be more effective to teach our kids what a trustworthy person acts like? Someone who deserves our trust helps us feel calm, won’t hurt us, doesn't ask us to keep secrets, etc. Then when they come across someone who isn't meeting those criteria they will know to tell us about it. More heartbreaking than the abuse stories are the stories of victims who didn’t think they could tell anyone. Who stayed in their abusive situation because they thought others would judge them, no one could help. Because in a lot of those cases, people would have helped them! Had they been told, had they been trusted. If the only message they are hearing is don't trust anyone, how will they know they can trust us to help?
I obviously don't want my children to be taken advantage of, but I also don't want them to walk through life thinking they are going to be attacked at every turn. I just think it's a balance. For as much as we are warning our kids about "tricky" people who want to hurt them, are we teaching our kids about the trustworthy people who can help them? There is danger in living in extremes. We can cripple ourselves just as much by not trusting anyone as we can by being too trusting. While not trusting anyone might keep our children safe from harm, it may also hold them back from growing, loving, and being built up.
It terrifies me that no matter how much I study, prepare, and pray I can't keep my children 100% safe 100% of the time. I certainly can’t keep them from feeling heartbreak or knowing sadness. I know that for every way I can think of to protect my kids there is probably someone out there who could think of 10 ways to hurt them. I understand these realities but yet I still have hope for my children. I believe that there are people out there who will love them, defend them, and respect them. I want them to know that I see good in the world, so that they can see good in the world. I'd feel horrible that if through my attempts to educate them about the evils of the world I had planted the seeds of anger and fear in their hearts. I know there are cold hard truths that I'm going to have to explain to my kids. I know that there are cold hard truths they will learn about through their own experiences too. It's part of being in this world. But I also know I've had a lot of joy in my life and that they will too. I've had family and friends who I could trust. They've helped me get through situations where I've been mistreated by others whom I could not trust. They've also been there when I've hurt others through my ignorance or miscommunications. I've been loved. I've been forgiven. I’ve been able to forgive. I'm still learning. I'm excited for my kids to be able to do all of those things too.
So I'm trying to be more balanced in my parenting. I want my children to know good from evil. So that means I have to teach them about both! I want my daughters to know that even though there are people who might abuse them, there are also people who will love them. Even though there are murderers, liars, deviants, perverts, and bullies there are also heroes, helpers, teachers, counselors and lovers. For every boy who might degrade women, there is also a boy who is willing to cherish them. Even though our world may be filled with distorted pornographic images of sex, I still believe it is also filled with loving couples with healthy relationships that can withstand the storms of life. More than what we say, our children will emulate what we do. They will see the world how we see the world. Not how we tell them to see the world. Are we looking for the good? Or are we seeking for the garbage?! Are we teaching them to seek out the virtuous, the lovely, the things of good report, the praiseworthy?
More than just turning my kids away from wrong, I want to turn them toward right. So they can be with the right people in the right places with the right timing. So that even when I'm not there to protect them they can protect themselves. They can make better decisions because they understand WHY they are making those decisions. Not because they are scared of the worst, but because they are hopeful for the best.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Avoiding Extremes and Finding Balance
It’s true that I spend most of my quiet time humming songs from Dora and pondering things like why there is grape jelly hanging from the dining room lamp but this past month I’ve had the opportunity to do some real, honest, thinking about life. And whats more, I’ve had the opportunity to discuss some of these thoughts with other people. We’ve discussed things like fear, failure, joy, etc. But something that keeps coming up for me is the concept of balance. Keeping balance in my life has always been a struggle for me but now that I’ve got 4 young children and a husband along for the ride it seems much more important that I’m not swaying side to side or riding an emotional rollercoaster.
The world in general appears to be struggling with the principal of balance. It seems more and more people feel the need to live their life in extremes and make black and white issues out of everything. Everywhere you turn there are people who are angry and frustrated an just so darn sure they have all the right answers to everything. Thanks to inventions like facebook and twitter we get to see the minute to minute mood swings of everyone we've ever met or heard of. We see the high highs and the low lows and things that were once solved in private are now public knowledge for all to see. It’s seems that there is competition at both ends too. Some friends competing to make their little slice of life look the most like heaven while another group argues over whose life is the worst. So lately I’ve been trying to decide how much of my self worth is intrinsic and how much am I depending on external factors to make me happy. So this blog post is a collection of random thoughts I’ve been having about how I can be a more balanced person. I think they fit together somewhat but they are mostly random. It may just be that this is more of a journal entry than anything else but I thought I'd post it in case anyone else ever has some of the same feelings. I’d love to hear people’s comments and ideas of how they balance everything because I could use any help I can get.
#1) Others Success is not my Failure
Is this a hard lesson for anyone else? I’m a driven person. I like to succeed. I also tend to be a perfectionist on certain things. When someone else is successful my first thought is usually “They are so awesome”…but…often my second thought is “I wish I could do that” or “I am horrible at that” or some other negative self-talk. It’s so great to be surrounded by great examples. And most of the time we can stop and be grateful that we are surrounded by such awesome and talented people but sometimes we take those examples and just use them to beat the living crud out of ourselves. And we might justify our behavior by saying that those comparisons are helping us to grow and change. But there is a lot of danger in doing this.
First, the higher up on a pedestal we place someone the further they have to fall. And when we’ve been using that person as our reason for change and growth, what are we going to do when they fall short of our expectations. Thinking things like “I wish I was more like so-and so” often tends to lead to thoughts of “well if so-and-so can’t do it what hope do I have”.
The second danger of comparing ourselves to someone else is that we are different people. What is easy for one is a struggle for the other and vice versa. The important thing to remember is that no one has a life without success and that no one is immune to trials. You are different people, you’ve made different decisions up until now. You are living with different talents and weaknesses. Your pasts are different, your present is different, the expectation that you are going to be the same people in the future is ridiculous. It’s apples and oranges my friends. Or in my case a pear. :/
The final danger is that we don’t know the whole story. Things are never what they appear on the outside. Often we are comparing our whole internal experience with a small piece of their external being. For instance, we could see a really cute professional picture of someone else’s kids. They are all dressed up perfectly and sitting perfectly and we might make the mistake of letting ourselves believe their kids are perfect. But we forget we are just seeing a snapshot of their kids. When we think of our own family we think about trying to get our kids out the door in the morning, and how our 4 year old keeps hitting people, and how one of our kids is getting teased at school because she has a disability, and our twin 2 year olds can’t hold still for one minute. (all hypothetical of course) So now we’ve compared our family’s entire existence to a perfectly framed snapshot of someone elses…and from there we leap to conclusions like “she’s a better mother than me” or “her kids are just easier than mine”. Wouldn’t you be shocked to know that her toddler sang “Old McDonald” at the top of her lungs all the way to the portrait studio, her 6 year old has a grass stain down the entire side of her dress from running around the building and that she ultimately bribed them all with Sam’s club churros to smile in the picture. Say cheese!
#2) Others Struggles Don’t Lessen My Struggles
Another trap I fall into sometimes is feeling guilty for struggling my way through easy trials when so many people are going through much harder things than I am. And while it’s good to keep some big picture perspective we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for having a hard time with things. Yes, some people don’t have a house to live in it at all…that doesn’t mean it’s not stressful when you have a giant leak in your roof. And some people don’t ever find the right person to marry…but that doesn’t make you worry less about your spouse’s health problems. I have friends with six kids who still manage to keep perfect houses and run successful businesses and I only have 4 kids and yesterday the biggest problem I could tackle was how to walk a crock-pot full of soup into the teacher’s lounge with all of my kids in tow. It nearly sent me over the edge.
#3) My Struggles Don’t lessen Others Struggles
Since when did it become a thing to compete over whose kid throws up the most? Whose husband is gone the most. Whose child has the most disabilities at school. I call this the “Well, it’s harder for me because…” I think deep down all of us need for others to acknowledge that the trials we are going through are real. But for some it seems that if they admit that others are struggling too that somehow their struggles are less important. It’s not a competition. Why do we let our self-worth be determined by how many trials we go through or don’t go through. While this problem has been probably going on since the beginning of time, it’s kind of brought to a head when you add in social media. Have you seen this on Facebook? Person A posts weekly about how horrible her life is. So Person B comments with “well, you think that’s bad. Mine is way worse”. Meanwhile they are both so focused on themselves they don’t stop to think about helping one another or even realize person C is at home struggling silently alone. Just like we shouldn’t spend time comparing people’s successes, we shouldn’t be comparing our struggles either. Even though our trials may not be the same, everyone’s trials are equally hard for them. Don’t get me wrong, I think that discussing your problems with other people in the right setting can be a great thing. It can help you realize you aren’t alone and think of new solutions. It can help you realize that other people need your help and that you shouldn’t be demanding everyone else help you. That being said, do I think that being a martyr on Facebook is the right setting…no.
Also, be sensitive to people who are going through trials you’ve already conquered. I always hate it when people tell me things like “you think having toddlers is hard, wait until you have teens”. It’s probably a true sentiment but it sure isn’t helpful. And I’m sure they would have hated it just as much if someone had said it to them when they had toddlers. Sharon Creech has a great part in walk two moons where she talks about when we turn a certain age, we aren't just that age but we are all the ages we've ever been. So I'm not just 30, but I'm 20 and 10 and 5 as well. Don't forget what it was like to be a new parent, or a stressed out college student, or a lost teen, or a know-it-all kindergartener. Avoid saying things like “you think you’ve got bad, I’ve got…" Again, it’s not a competition. And even if somehow we manage to win the “I’ve got the most problems” award, how is that really going to make us feel in the end? I doubt it’s going to inspire us to solve anything. Most likely it will become our new biggest problem. Now we’ve got a new status for Facebook. And repeat…
#4) I’m not the best but I’m probably not the worst either…so that’s something.
Anyone else have a tendency to want to be perfect? We tend to be an “all or nothing” kind of person when it comes to critiquing ourselves. Either we did something perfectly or it was a failure. It’s hard to admit our small successes. Like somehow if we admit that we did one thing right we’re betraying the 99 other things we still haven’t done at all. But I think for many of us we don’t understand the real relationship that failure and success have with one another. We tend to look at it like it’s two separate roads, one leading to success and one leading to failure. But truthfully they are both stops along the same path. Thomas Edison said, “Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up”. If you’re not a success right this minute it doesn’t mean that you’re a failure. Give yourself a little more time, or a nap, or drink a diet Dr. Pepper and then try again.
#5) There is season…turn turn turn…
Even more frustrating than the talents that I wish I had, are the talents I do have but am not using. Sure I used to win awards and scholarships with my poetry and do open mic nights and perform in plays, but right now I am busy with 4 children and I’ve actually been in the middle of conversations where I’ve had a hard time remembering words like spoon and window and the closest I come to writing is rambling on and on in this blog post. But just because we aren't using those talents now doesn’t mean that we won’t use those talents again in the future. And we're probably using a lot of new talents that we don't even realize we have. Like babysitting kids, or helping others who feel low, or changing diapers, or I don't know...giving life to small human beings! But none of those things happen on a stage or get applause and sometimes they get lost in the day to day living and we forget that they are kind of important things to be doing. Seriously, I change like 20 diapers a day...doesn't that deserve some kind of award, or golf clap, or at least a few finger snaps.
#5) It’s okay to say no to things…(I don't know if that's a statement or a question)
I admit it. I like to say yes. I like to help. It makes me feel good when I can use my talents or serve other people. If I could I would say yes to every good thing someone asked me to do, I would. But I can’t and it’s selfish to say yes to more things than I can reasonably do. But yet, sure I can be in charge of ordering girl scout cookies for the whole troop! I know I can’t be all things to all people. But I’m already going to the PTA meetings anyway, and they really need someone to be the president, so maybe I should just volunteer. I know that just because I CAN do something doesn’t mean I should do something. But now they are sending around a sign up sheet for food and I really love to cook so I’ll just sign up to bring 100 homemade cookies instead of bringing the bag of Fritos. And I know that in theory I don’t owe anyone an explanation about why I can’t do something. But what will the others think if I don’t volunteer to bedazzle 10 little girls dance costumes for tomorrow’s recital?
Does anyone else have those kind of conversations with themselves? Hands? No? Just me…okay. But deep down I also know that living our life running around in the car isn’t good for my children. And I know that when I take on too much I have a shorter fuse. And I get grumpy. And I don’t take time for myself. And I get grumpier. And I know that I shouldn’t worry about what other people think of me. I know that I could make 100 cookies if I wanted too and I could bedazzle all the dance costumes if I had to…but I shouldn’t be saying yes to prove that to other people. And also, there are plenty of other capable people who can do all of those things too and they need a chance to serve. Would it make me feel better to say yes to everything…yes! But would it really end up being better for anyone if I spread myself so thin that I can only give 10% to each thing. Not really.
It’s okay to say no. Sometimes you should just say no.
So there you go. Some random thoughts about balancing the way I view my life. I’m not perfect but after further consideration I guess I’m probably not that horrible either. I really am blessed to have so many wonderful examples of calm, well rounded, successful people in my life. And I'm sure someday I will be as good as they are, but for now I will just hope that guilt by association really works, and that I get lumped in with their awesomeness. I’m blessed that I’ve been able to learn from failure and find joy in success. I’m blessed that I have so many opportunities to be better than I was the day before. I know that happiness is a choice. And ultimately it is within our power to choose what the result of our life will be. If we want to succeed we will succeed and if we think we will fail we will fail. We shouldn’t be willing to put that power in others hands, allowing our lives to be dictated by social norms and others’ opinions of us. A great quote by Grantland Rice is “Failure isn't so bad if it doesn't attack the heart. Success is all right if it doesn't go to the head.” We are going to have successes and failures in life. I guess that for me balance comes when we realize that success can only be found when we overcome failure. And that living through failure is what makes our successes so sweet.
Have you ever had any of these thoughts? What are some of the things you are doing to find balance in your life? Leave a comment! I'd love to hear from you!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I have some political views
Okay, so I realize that this blog has become primarily a food blog. But when I first started this blog I did it because I wanted to have a place to discuss things that were important to me. Obviously my waistline can tell you that food is definitely one of those things :) However, I also have other interests like child rearing, religion, politics, etc. So hopefully with this preface you won't think the rest of this post is too random or crazy or boring. It's just something that's been on my mind.
So, one more time, just so we understand one another...there is no recipe that follows this rant. It's just a good ol' fashioned political post and it's about to get pretty soapboxy in here. But don't worry I'll be back tomorrow for a tutorial about how to slice an avocado properly :)
I've been struggling lately with how "black and white" people try to make things during an election year. The right says something ridiculous so the left counteracts by saying something equally ridiculous trying to prove the other side wrong. I'm worried that we get so caught up in being "Republican" or "Democrat" that we don't stop to think about what we are actually saying or how it is coming across.
The latest case of this was sparked by President Obama's remarks in Roanoke over the weekend. I'll quote him first before I comment further. This is the part of the remarks I've seen posted over and over.
"Look, if you’ve been successful, you didn’t get there on your own. You didn’t get there on your own. I’m always struck by people who think, well, it must be because I was just so smart. There are a lot of smart people out there. It must be because I worked harder than everybody else. Let me tell you something -- there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there. If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a business -- you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen. The Internet didn’t get invented on its own. Government research created the Internet so that all the companies could make money off the Internet. The point is, is that when we succeed, we succeed because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together."
First of all, amen to the great teacher thing! Not that the government has helped teachers out very much lately. But seriously go give a great teacher a hug right now! I'll wait. Now I'll move on to my main point. Do I agree with everything the President said here...no. But do I agree with a lot of it...yes! (shocked whispers) Could he have probably chosen his words more carefully and made his point better...yes. But the thing that has really concerned me the most is some of the responses that I've seen to his remarks.
I know there is an entitlement problem in America right now. I get that. I do. But on the other end of the spectrum from the "everyone owes me everything" mentality is the "I did it all by myself" mentality. And I'm sorry but that way of thinking is just as crippling as the first. Really, part of what President Obama is saying is true. If we really stop and think about our lives, all of us have had help along the way. Maybe not from the government, maybe not financial help, but we all have support systems of some kind. Both seen and unseen.
In today's world just having parents who help teach you about hard work is a rare commodity. I'm a hard worker. I know that work is important and that working hard has very positively affected my life. But I can also easily identify people and programs who have helped me get here. First, I had parents who were involved in my life. They valued education and hard work. What if they didn't? What if all the role models in my life hadn't taught me right from wrong? Or didn't know how to work? Or abused government programs to make a living? Would I still be a hard worker? I don't know. And I think most people out there, if they are being truthful with themselves, don't know either because they've never been in that situation. This is a good argument for being slow to judge. Do we really want to condemn a generation based on the sins of their fathers? So yes, maybe I work harder at things than some people, but I had a lot of motivation to do that from positive role models in my life.
Some other examples: when I was in college I had to work early mornings cleaning the shared bathrooms in the freshman dorms in order to pay my tuition. (Hard work) But I also attended a church school where I enjoyed having a tuition bill that was about a quarter of the price that many of my friends paid at state schools. And the reason my tuition was lower was because of the contributions of thousands of church members throughout the world. My husband's employer (a government lab) paid for his graduate work. My daughter has cerebral palsy and has received a lot of her therapies from a state funded program that employs P.T.s, O.T.s and speech therapists. These are just a few of the ways I've been helped; saying that I did everything on my own would not only be ungrateful it would be untrue. So yes, I'm a hard worker but I didn't get the life I have completely on my own.
Another point the President makes is that just because someone is less fortunate doesn't mean that they aren't a hard worker. No matter how well we plan out our lives, any one of us can find ourselves in need of charity at any moment. There are things that happen that you can't stop. Health needs, loss of job, death in the family, etc. But in argument, some people will say "yes, but I don't mind giving help to people who deserve it". But don't we learn that true charity can come when we help people who maybe don't deserve it? We can't just say people who succeed are workers and people who don't are lazy. It is getting harder and harder to "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" so to speak. Are there lazy people out there...sure. But does that justify not giving government help to anyone?
I've also heard the argument "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime". I understand the sentiment behind it. But I just think it's a combination of the two. It's important to teach people to fish but there is also a time to just give a man a fish. If we want to get scriptural about it we could do that too. Does God want us to work hard during our life? Yes! But I also seem to remember that Christ handed out a free fish or two during his ministry without requiring anything back. He didn't just feed people who agreed with him, he fed everyone who asked.
So basically what I'm saying is...I know most people, if they really stop to contemplate their life, are going to realize that each of us is profoundly affected by the sacrifices, large and small, of others. And that sometimes we accomplish things as individuals and sometimes we accomplish things in a group. All of us owe a debt of gratitude to the patriots who founded our country or to the men who've served in the armed forces. And I know that most people realize these things, they just get so caught up in the party system that they end up saying things that they don't really mean.
I just can't seem to fit Christ's ministry into a single man-made political party. It just doesn't fit. His message was about love and about doing what is right. Many of us have differing opinions about how best to do that within the realm of "politics". So we each have a responsibility to make our personal beliefs mesh with our political beliefs. And allow all men to do the same.
My personal belief is that we need to find some balance before we are going to heal the wounds that are running rampant in our country. At some point we are going to have to evolve past a two party system. We have to stop thinking "what would the republicans do" or "what would the democrats say" and start thinking what do I, as a person, want to do and say. Then maybe our leaders will be able to stop representing a party and get back to representing the people. But in the meantime, try to look for the good in one another. Each side has good points. Don't say things you don't mean and can't take back. Don't let yourself get sidetracked from the actual issues by getting caught up in the "media madness" of it all. The media knows when something will make a ripple...a misquote, a stumble, etc. They try and reel you in with things like "Republicans hate working moms" or "Democrats hate small business owners". Take the time and research these issues for yourselves. Don't just read one article about something and call it good. Know your sources...because they each have their own slant. Each of us has the right to vote our conscience and decide for ourselves what side of the issues we are on. Don't just let Anderson Cooper make up your mind for you. Although he is really attractive! (Seriously ladies, you know what I'm talking about).
So I'm not trying to say that the President was right about everything he said. I'm not trying to say that he has all the right answers to those problems. I'm just trying to remind everyone that it's not just cut and dry, right or wrong. I think he made a lot of good points. "The point is, is that when we succeed, we succeed because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together."
I just don't want people to let "party affiliation" block them from seeing that sometimes the "other side" actually makes a little bit of sense.
Soap Box over. Now it's your turn...discuss...
So, one more time, just so we understand one another...there is no recipe that follows this rant. It's just a good ol' fashioned political post and it's about to get pretty soapboxy in here. But don't worry I'll be back tomorrow for a tutorial about how to slice an avocado properly :)
I've been struggling lately with how "black and white" people try to make things during an election year. The right says something ridiculous so the left counteracts by saying something equally ridiculous trying to prove the other side wrong. I'm worried that we get so caught up in being "Republican" or "Democrat" that we don't stop to think about what we are actually saying or how it is coming across.
The latest case of this was sparked by President Obama's remarks in Roanoke over the weekend. I'll quote him first before I comment further. This is the part of the remarks I've seen posted over and over.
"Look, if you’ve been successful, you didn’t get there on your own. You didn’t get there on your own. I’m always struck by people who think, well, it must be because I was just so smart. There are a lot of smart people out there. It must be because I worked harder than everybody else. Let me tell you something -- there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there. If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a business -- you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen. The Internet didn’t get invented on its own. Government research created the Internet so that all the companies could make money off the Internet. The point is, is that when we succeed, we succeed because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together."
First of all, amen to the great teacher thing! Not that the government has helped teachers out very much lately. But seriously go give a great teacher a hug right now! I'll wait. Now I'll move on to my main point. Do I agree with everything the President said here...no. But do I agree with a lot of it...yes! (shocked whispers) Could he have probably chosen his words more carefully and made his point better...yes. But the thing that has really concerned me the most is some of the responses that I've seen to his remarks.
I know there is an entitlement problem in America right now. I get that. I do. But on the other end of the spectrum from the "everyone owes me everything" mentality is the "I did it all by myself" mentality. And I'm sorry but that way of thinking is just as crippling as the first. Really, part of what President Obama is saying is true. If we really stop and think about our lives, all of us have had help along the way. Maybe not from the government, maybe not financial help, but we all have support systems of some kind. Both seen and unseen.
In today's world just having parents who help teach you about hard work is a rare commodity. I'm a hard worker. I know that work is important and that working hard has very positively affected my life. But I can also easily identify people and programs who have helped me get here. First, I had parents who were involved in my life. They valued education and hard work. What if they didn't? What if all the role models in my life hadn't taught me right from wrong? Or didn't know how to work? Or abused government programs to make a living? Would I still be a hard worker? I don't know. And I think most people out there, if they are being truthful with themselves, don't know either because they've never been in that situation. This is a good argument for being slow to judge. Do we really want to condemn a generation based on the sins of their fathers? So yes, maybe I work harder at things than some people, but I had a lot of motivation to do that from positive role models in my life.
Some other examples: when I was in college I had to work early mornings cleaning the shared bathrooms in the freshman dorms in order to pay my tuition. (Hard work) But I also attended a church school where I enjoyed having a tuition bill that was about a quarter of the price that many of my friends paid at state schools. And the reason my tuition was lower was because of the contributions of thousands of church members throughout the world. My husband's employer (a government lab) paid for his graduate work. My daughter has cerebral palsy and has received a lot of her therapies from a state funded program that employs P.T.s, O.T.s and speech therapists. These are just a few of the ways I've been helped; saying that I did everything on my own would not only be ungrateful it would be untrue. So yes, I'm a hard worker but I didn't get the life I have completely on my own.
Another point the President makes is that just because someone is less fortunate doesn't mean that they aren't a hard worker. No matter how well we plan out our lives, any one of us can find ourselves in need of charity at any moment. There are things that happen that you can't stop. Health needs, loss of job, death in the family, etc. But in argument, some people will say "yes, but I don't mind giving help to people who deserve it". But don't we learn that true charity can come when we help people who maybe don't deserve it? We can't just say people who succeed are workers and people who don't are lazy. It is getting harder and harder to "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" so to speak. Are there lazy people out there...sure. But does that justify not giving government help to anyone?
I've also heard the argument "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime". I understand the sentiment behind it. But I just think it's a combination of the two. It's important to teach people to fish but there is also a time to just give a man a fish. If we want to get scriptural about it we could do that too. Does God want us to work hard during our life? Yes! But I also seem to remember that Christ handed out a free fish or two during his ministry without requiring anything back. He didn't just feed people who agreed with him, he fed everyone who asked.
So basically what I'm saying is...I know most people, if they really stop to contemplate their life, are going to realize that each of us is profoundly affected by the sacrifices, large and small, of others. And that sometimes we accomplish things as individuals and sometimes we accomplish things in a group. All of us owe a debt of gratitude to the patriots who founded our country or to the men who've served in the armed forces. And I know that most people realize these things, they just get so caught up in the party system that they end up saying things that they don't really mean.
I just can't seem to fit Christ's ministry into a single man-made political party. It just doesn't fit. His message was about love and about doing what is right. Many of us have differing opinions about how best to do that within the realm of "politics". So we each have a responsibility to make our personal beliefs mesh with our political beliefs. And allow all men to do the same.
My personal belief is that we need to find some balance before we are going to heal the wounds that are running rampant in our country. At some point we are going to have to evolve past a two party system. We have to stop thinking "what would the republicans do" or "what would the democrats say" and start thinking what do I, as a person, want to do and say. Then maybe our leaders will be able to stop representing a party and get back to representing the people. But in the meantime, try to look for the good in one another. Each side has good points. Don't say things you don't mean and can't take back. Don't let yourself get sidetracked from the actual issues by getting caught up in the "media madness" of it all. The media knows when something will make a ripple...a misquote, a stumble, etc. They try and reel you in with things like "Republicans hate working moms" or "Democrats hate small business owners". Take the time and research these issues for yourselves. Don't just read one article about something and call it good. Know your sources...because they each have their own slant. Each of us has the right to vote our conscience and decide for ourselves what side of the issues we are on. Don't just let Anderson Cooper make up your mind for you. Although he is really attractive! (Seriously ladies, you know what I'm talking about).
So I'm not trying to say that the President was right about everything he said. I'm not trying to say that he has all the right answers to those problems. I'm just trying to remind everyone that it's not just cut and dry, right or wrong. I think he made a lot of good points. "The point is, is that when we succeed, we succeed because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together."
I just don't want people to let "party affiliation" block them from seeing that sometimes the "other side" actually makes a little bit of sense.
Soap Box over. Now it's your turn...discuss...
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